A Journey of Joy

the heart of the matter

2011-09-13T22:41:00.004-05:00

Pain. Destruction. Sadness. Despair. Murder.

There is so much of it in our world. Many days it brings me to my knees. Other days, it goes unnoticed - until the phone call, the facebook post, the blog entry, the news article or the email changes everything.

We really do live in a very advanced technological age. Everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - is at our fingertips. We want to know something? We google it. Need a definition? Dictionary.com. Want to know the weather for the next 10 days? weather.com And this is all from our phone. A map? A phone number? A restaurant?? It's all there.

And not just those things, but people sharing their burdens, their stories, their trials, their lives with the rest of the world. I, for one, love this, to some extent, as it makes a person seem more real somehow to me.

My question? How much is too much? How much do we really need to know? How much do I want to know? Better yet, how much can my heart handle?

Through a blog, I walked through a mother's angst and despair over the sudden death of her four year old daughter a couple of years ago. Memories of that post, and the subsequent posts, still linger to this day. Just tonight I was thinking about them, praying for them, while holding my precious baby boy. And overwhelming sadness hit me. And then came the questions, yet again. Why, Lord? Why this girl? Why this family? My heart literally ached for them.

Today it was a story from a woman who used to work in an abortion clinic. She spoke of the cleaning lady who found a foot in one of the sinks and quit. And a perfectly formed 10 week old baby's body that survived the abortion suction in tact and now sat in a bottle.

Tonight it was the story of a 94 year old woman who was starved to death - legally - in this country, because she had Alzheimer's and had a stroke and two of her children said it was OK. It was GRUESOME to read. It was obvious she wanted to live, but they continued starving her anyway.

And yet all of this is reality. Reality of a fallen, incredibly cruel and sinful world that I live in. And it really overwhelms me. In light of these things, can I do anything else but pray? I don't know what I'd do without Jesus. Precious Savior. Faithful friend. Oh how I love Him.

All that said, if I don't follow the 2012 elections or know what's going on with the environment, or can't tell you the weather for the next week, it's because I'm going to try and limit myself from the desire to "know it now". It's not that I want to somehow avoid reality, but I'm realizing that my heart just can't handle too much at once. I'd just sit in a puddle of tears all day long.

Ultimately, I just need to meditate on God's Word, letting it penetrate every nook and cranny of my being. Truly, dear ones, there is nothing better.

GREAT NEWS!

2011-03-29T21:17:00.002-05:00

See this guy?? The one in the hat?? No...the other one. Well, he got some big news a couple of weeks ago. Big. News.

My husband learned the incredible news that the university he has been teaching at for the last almost six years granted him TENURE. TENURE!!!

To say we are excited is the biggest understatement of the year. We moved to TX almost six years ago so that my husband could pursue his passion to teach and by God's grace work his way toward tenure. And God blessed him.

I am over the moon proud of my husband. He is one of the hardest working guys I know - in every aspect of his life - and in my mind was deserving of this blessed news. He spent countless hours working on research papers, prepping for classes, grading papers, meeting with students, all the while pouring his heart into every class he taught in order to obtain this goal. And in the midst of it, he kept his family a HUGE priority. There aren't too many men out there that sacrifice the way my husband does for his family.

So, Honey...if you read this, Congratulations! From the bottom of my heart, I'm so very proud of you. I have believed in you from the very start and knew you could accomplish this.

But most of all, I give God all the glory, as does my husband, for this amazing blessing in our lives. We feel so blessed.

I don't want to live in fear.....

2011-03-08T17:48:00.001-06:00

....except the fear of a Holy and Just God.

I'm really struggling. Not so much with my marriage or with my children (though there are days when both of those things are really hard), but with the fallen, sinful world we live in.

A friend on Facebook just posted about how a man lost his wife and 15 month old son in a car accident. In an instant...gone. A couple of nights ago I read about a five year old girl (same age as my daughter) who woke up one day and couldn't walk or go to the bathroom and has now been diagnosed with a possible terminal illness.

Another friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and is fighting for her life through chemotherapy treatments. Is she a bad person? No way. She spent years in China giving her life for the sake of Christ and the building of His kingdom. Not that this gives her a pass from anything bad happening to her, but still.....

I have friends who have lost babies way too soon. I have friends who have lost loved ones suddenly and unexpectedly.

A dear friend of mine has a beautiful daughter the same age as mine. Except that her daughter has autism while mine is perfectly healthy. Autism. The diagnosis changed her life drastically and yet she exhibits joy every time I see her.

I struggle with stories like this. I don't understand it. I know the Lord is to be praised no matter what...that He's sovereign. But I really struggle when bad things happen to good people.

And now for the real crux of the matter....

I sometimes fear that something like this could happen to me. That God would allow something tragic to happen to me or my husband or one or both of our children. It's a horrible thought, I know and I usually take it captive. But the reality is that we live in a world where things like this happen all the time.

But, it's not like I've just lived this easy, "nothing bad has ever happened to me" life. I have struggled a lot in my marriage. And a lot of my struggle has been because I am a sinful, selfish person. And in the midst of struggling in my marriage, we've lost six little babies to miscarriage while trying to grow our family. And even now we are in a waiting period to find out what our future holds.

Life has been hard.

And that's what scares me. That is why I fear. I'm not naive enough to think that because we have already experienced hardship that we won't experience it again. Just the opposite. My mindset is, "if God has allowed all this to happen, what would keep Him from allowing other things to happen??".

But, as I started out, I really don't want to live in fear. At least not a negative, scared fear. I memorized the verse a long time ago about not being anxious. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds forever in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I do however want to fear a Holy God. Not so much because I think He's going to take me out, but because that is what he deserves. A couple of Sundays ago in church our pastor talked about the wrath of God. That's right, the wrath of God. Not His love, or mercy or grace. But about the wrath that He will pour out on the unsaved at the end. And in that sermon, I was reminded how much God hates sin. And how much sin was in my own life. And how much I don't want it to be in my life.

Psalm 111:10 says "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His precepts have good understanding..." May this be in my life.

My journey through pain to great joy

2011-02-16T23:31:00.001-06:00

I do love being a mom. While there are days when I'd love to just hop on a plane and go relax at some remote beach with a good book by myself for like, oh, I don't know, a month or so, more often than not, I have a deep thankfulness for my children and that I even get to be a mom to them.

When Doug and I first got married, we talked about when we would have children. He wanted to start trying a year after we were married. I wanted to wait two years. We compromised and started trying after we had been married 1.5 years. We got pregnant rather quickly and did what every other normal couple would do, we told our families and celebrated. He gave me beautiful roses, we took pictures of the pregnancy test - the whole deal. And then a week later, I miscarried. It was horrible. It was devastating.

But, we moved on and we continued to try to have a baby. We joyfully found out a few months later that we were pregnant, but at my eight week appointment, our baby was only showing to be about six weeks. Well, since I wasn't on birth control (and had not been since very, very early in our marriage), we knew when my cycle was and that our dates were correct. Our doctor told us to come back in two weeks to see if the baby had grown and that maybe, perhaps, our dates were wrong. We went to Chicago for the Moody Bible Conference and prayed and prayed. We had no idea what God would do. We went back to the doctor's office two weeks later and our little baby had not grown and was not living. Horrible. Devastating.

My doctor offered to perform a D&C, but I canceled it at the last minute telling myself that if there was any small chance that the baby was perhaps still alive, I wanted to give it a chance. Well, sadly, about a week or so later, I began miscarrying and it was awful. Doug ended up having to take me to the emergency room. It was a very long, very painful night.

That was February 2005. We got our house ready to go on the market because Doug had been offered a position at a university in Texas and we were going to move in the next few months. It sold after one showing. But it took us FIVE trips to Texas to find our present home!

We arrived in Texas on June 9, 2005. About three or four days later, I went to Target to get a few things, one of which included a pregnancy test (unbeknownst to my husband). We had started trying again and it was around the time my cycle should have started.

I. Was. Pregnant.

I went outside and hid the test behind my back and my husband thought I was going to shove something in his face (shaving cream, maybe??), but when I pulled it out, he just sort of grinned and I think we hugged and probably exchanged words like, "here we go again".

After a very uneventful pregnancy, I gave birth to our daughter the following March.

That sweet daughter will be FIVE YEARS OLD in just a couple of weeks.

She is a gift. And 'gift' doesn't even begin to grasp all that she means to us. She is amazing. I'm sure that every parent says that about their child, but really, truly..... she is amazing. Don't get me wrong, she's a sinner - she disobeys and is stubborn and wants her way - just like the rest of us. But she really is....amazing.

She's so smart. I'm not even sure we know the depths of how smart she is. She loves, loves, loves people. She's a devoted friend. She's a phenomenal big sister. She has a beautiful voice. She can dance - no, she's not trained, but she feels the rhythm and beauty of music at four years old better than some people who have been dancing all their lives. And to us, she's so very beautiful.

Honestly, I go into her room each night after she's fallen asleep and I look at her and tears just form in my eyes. I can't believe she came out of my body. I sometimes can't believe that God entrusted her with us.

Fast forward to our daughter turning a year old. I had weaned her from nursing around 8 months because we really wanted to start trying for a second child given the experience we had had trying to have our first one. (We had been told that there was a possibility that nursing could possibly cause a miscarriage because of the contraction of the uterus that happens when nursing.) So, our daughter turns a year old, we're trying to get pregnant and I break my foot falling down the stairs in our home. Nightmare. We had to hire someone to watch our precious daughter for a whole month because I was told not to pick her up so that my foot could heal. Nightmare. Now, the lady who took care of her was an angel sent from heaven. Really. We couldn't have asked for anyone better. She was such a blessing. But Doug had to take our daughter each morning over to her house. So, in essence, I missed a month of her life. It seemed like an eternity.

My foot healed and we kept trying to have a second baby. Summer of 2007 rolled around and I discovered that I was pregnant again. Details are hard to remember, but our baby didn't make it and I ended up having to have a D&C. Horrible. Devastating. Third baby taken away. Gone.

March 2008. We heard a heartbeat. Days later. Nothing. Fourth baby gone.

Horrible. Devastating.

Tests. A pregnancy shortlived during the summer of '08. Fifth baby gone. Tests. Doctors. What do we do?

After all the tests, we were told that we had a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant and staying pregnant. There was absolutely no reason (from what the doctors could tell) as to why we were having so much trouble.

So, we kept trying.

And I got pregnant - AGAIN. That was my seventh pregnancy. And I had one living child.

And sadly, we saw a heartbeat only to see nothing on that sonogram screen days later. Sixth baby gone.

HORRIBLE. DEVASTATING. ANGRY.

That's right. Up until that point, I hadn't really been angry. Not like this. Frustrated? Yes. Discouraged? Yes. A little ticked off? Yes. But really angry? Not like this.

I was so mad at God. I couldn't understand why we had lost so many babies. And this side of eternity, I may never know.

That was January 09. It was my third D&C in about 18 months.

Thus began my descent into some very dark, dark days. Sitting in that prep area about to be taken back to have my child stripped from my body again was just too much. I don't think I will ever forget the deep emotion I felt that day as long as I live. The emotional pain was horrendous.

During the days after that last D&C, I began searching the internet and every possible source as to why I was losing my babies. I was looking for something, someone to fix it all. Sadly, I was having a hard time looking to Jesus during those months. I was angry. At Him. He's sovereign, right? So, He knew about this. So, He allowed it, right? So. Hard. To. Understand.

Dark, dark days. We went to San Diego and Hawaii that year. While both trips were wonderful in so many ways, I was so very sad and very depressed. The grief was unbearable at times.

Even though I had never held these children in my arms, I had carried them inside of me. And I had lost six, tiny babes. And I wanted every single one of them. And I missed them. Grief.

And to make matters worse, we had no idea what to do after we lost the baby in January 09. Do we keep trying? Do we just stop and be immensely grateful for our precious daughter? Do we adopt? Neither of us had a definitive answer.

So, after lots of searching, Doug came across the name of a doctor, a reproductive endocrinologist, in Frisco who he thought could potentially help us. Dr. James Madden.

To make this very long story short, I'll keep to the facts. He met with us during our initial visit for TWO HOURS. I had written him a letter telling him that he was likely our last hope. I gave him all my medical records. When we met with him, he had gone over my records with a fine tooth comb and knew my case backwards and forwards. He was so very kind and so very gracious and so very patient. He was everything we needed at that time in our lives.

As I look back on that time, I see that God was lovingly showing Himself to me through this doctor. He did care about me. He did love me (not that I ever questioned this so much). He was in the details.

Dr. Madden basically told me that he sincerely believed my miscarriages were truly just "bad eggs", if you will. He said I actually had an "over-friendly" uterus. The reason I carried each child so long was that my body was giving those babies every possible chance to live, but they couldn't because they weren't quite right. May not sound like much, but it did make sense - especially since I had carried our daughter, uneventfully, to full term.

So, he basically told me that we could just keep trying and that we would likely, eventually, have another child. Real hopeful, huh? NOT! I just didn't think I could go through any more grief. And we would be taking that chance if we did try again.

He did offer some more testing, so I did some blood tests and had some sonograms done and at the end of it all, he did offer a drug that supposedly could help make better quality eggs. But it wasn't a guarantee and it didn't increase our chances at all. So, we said no to drugs (;-)) and decided to thank this precious doctor for his time and go on our way.

But we still didn't know what we wanted to do. We had not decided if we were going to try again.

Well.....

We did.

Try again, that is. That very next month.

And we have a precious, beautiful, miracle baby boy who is already 8 months old.

And I don't even have to tell you how much he means to us. We feel crazy blessed.

So, on those hard days...the days I want to hop on that jet plane to that remote island? Yeah, those. Well, I try to take a deep breath and just say a deep-hearted "THANK YOU" to my God, who is "greater, stronger and higher than any other", Thank you for these precious, precious children and I press on.

NOTE: I had no idea this would be my post tonight. I guess it was just on my heart for some reason. If you are out there and are facing loss or a similar trial, please know this: God has not forgotten you.

Kindness

2010-09-19T16:55:00.000-05:00

Just yesterday I got to attend the Beth Moore Living Proof Live Simulcast at our church. I was instantly convicted as she began her talk about kindness. Or, in my case, the lack thereof. I was blown away that this was her topic as it has been on my heart for a couple of weeks.

When it comes to my husband and daughter in particular, I can be so unkind. I'm not sure why this is. I know with A, I just get frustrated (many times with her disobedience) and my tone with her is anything but kind. And I can't tell you the number of times when my husband has said to me (not so much in jest) how I'm so kind with my friends but not with him. Sadly, he's right.

The verse that she started with was Proverbs 31:26. It says in the NKJV, "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness." The law of kindness. The word law there comes from the word 'torah', meaning that it's the whole instruction of God. In other words, it's a big deal...this kindess thing. One of the reasons she said we should study kindness is that we live in a mean world and it's only getting worse. How true. And, yet, I'm adding to its meanness. It makes me sick to think that I'm less than kind with those in my own household. I don't want to be a two-faced gal...one way at home and another way when I'm out and about...putting on some sort of show so people will think I have it all together. I seriously don't. I wish I did, but it just ain't so.

Anyway, as I said, I was instantly convicted. I so want to be kind. It is a fruit of the Spirit. So, I guess that if I'm walking by the Spirit, I should be kind, right? And so, if I'm not being kind, that should say something, right? Something to the tune of I'm not walking with God and spending time with Him like I should be. Isn't there some sort of saying that the people you hang out with the most are the people you become like the most? Well, I'm obviously not hanging out with God the most or my attitude and actions would be different.

Therefore, I'm deciding today to spend more time with God this fall. I so want it to be a habit in my life. I want to be kind. I want to teach kindness to my daughter and my son so that one day they can "rise up and call her blessed". And I definitely want to show kindness to my husband so that one day he can say "many daughters have done well, but you excel them all".

PS - I wrote this post earlier this afternoon. It is now 11pm and I've already failed at being kind tonight! UGH!!

on the verge of fall....

2010-09-19T16:35:00.001-05:00

(NOTE: the above pictures have nothing really to do with this post....I just thought they were really cute!!).

I am sooooo excited that it will officially be fall in a couple of days!! This is absolutely my favorite time of year! I can't wait to pull out my fall decor! Everything about this time of year makes my heart happy. It starts to cool off here in the big state and the leaves start turning colors (not as long or as bright as where I grew up or where we lived before, but it will do) and it's just beautiful. I also love the smells associated with fall...pumpkin spice, etc. And my daughter has already been asking me when we are going to the pumpkin patch! I can't wait!! Oh...and did I mention that I LOVE to wear jeans! It's probably my favorite piece of clothing to wear and tis the season for them! :-)

And really, what's on my mind, is that it was one year ago this week that I discovered I was pregnant with our son. I was so excited and yet so scared. I had no idea if he would survive or not! And now, I sit here in my family room, perched on my coffee table, looking at him in his bouncy seat just a snoozin. And I'm totally in love. And so blessed. Boy, are we blessed. This year has been so different from last year. Last year was full of much sorrow. So many dark days and so many questions and many of them unanswered. Lots of dark days. Until...

.....Until I saw the little guy's heartbeat for the first time in October last year. I remember being filled with incredible joy. So many prayers went up that day. Please God, please let him live! I had no idea what his answer would be. Well....God let him thrive inside my womb and to our GREAT joy, we met him a little over three months ago! Yep...he's three months old now and such a schnooker! We love him so much.

He's smiling all the time (which I just can't get enough of) and he'll laugh at you when you tickle him in just the right spot under his chin or play peekaboo with him. He's been "standing" in our laps for quite sometime now and holding his head up high. He doesn't mind being on his belly for too long and he'll actually turn over from his belly to his back!

And our sweet A is now 4 and a half years old! My goodness how I love her. Seems like we've had some moments of willfulness lately from her...more than we'd like, but I think she's just testing the waters to see if we're serious or not about discipline. Boy, are we serious. Disobedience gets no reward from this family. We're all learning about that. That obedience. That thing that God requires of us. And it is hard.

Besides that, our girl is smart. Really smart. At least, that's what her slightly biased parents think. She is starting to read and it is so cool! She amazes us daily at how much she knows. And she is writing too. Alas, I know some former elementary school teachers who may look distastefully upon her improper strokes, but doggoneit, she knows how to write the letters!

And she truly loves her little brother. I think it's hard for her sometimes when our moments, just me and her, get interrupted often with having to take care of baby brother. I mean, she did have me to herself for four plus years! I'd think it would be quite an adjustment myself. But, she has handled the change quite well. I truly love her so much. I so want to be a good mom to her and for her.

Well, I'd better wrap this up for now. Blessings to all and Happy Fall!!

Seven Weeks

2010-07-30T09:24:00.000-05:00

(This was taken a couple of weeks ago, but it was too cute not to share!!)

Seven weeks ago I was wondering when our baby boy would make his debut. Little did I know that it would be that very day! That's right, our son is SEVEN weeks old today. And while these past few weeks have been somewhat blurry given lack of sleep and endless feedings (which side did I last feed him on??), I have treasured every moment......OK... so maybe not the 4:30am feeding where he WILL NOT burp and all I want to do is go back to sleep....but almost every moment. I love this little guy so much. He brings all of us so much joy.

He has been smiling in response to our smiles and it's so, so sweet. He's also holding his head up on his own a lot. He's getting so big and strong.....and LONG. :-) He's sleeping at night pretty well too, but I'm not going to mention to blog world how well until it happens a few days in a row. :-)

And the boy definitely loves to eat. I'm nursing about every 2-3 hours during the day and he still gets 8 feedings a day, but he definitely spaces them out a bit longer at night!

Many of my friends have asked if A is doing well with him and I honestly can't say enough good things about how she's been with her baby brother. She just adores him and constantly wants to be around him and help with him. Not one jealous bone in her body. I simply love my little girl. She is beautiful and fun-loving and very outgoing...though, she may tell you otherwise. God has used her greatly in my life to show me how sinful I really am. And while this may not be the most joyful thing to experience, I'm grateful God put her in my life to make me more like Himself.

And I really have to give major kudos to my husband. He has been a HUGE help with both A&E during these past seven weeks. He has slept ON THE FLOOR in E's room after I've fed him, just so I could sleep uninterrupted for a few hours at night for a couple of weeks now. And he takes A out for special trips to the ice cream store or wherever, just to spend time with her and give mama a little break. He's a GREAT husband and daddy!!

So, really, we're all adjusting pretty well to this new little guy. We are all just so thankful he's here and in our lives. If I ever start to complain of being tired or overwhelmed, I simply start counting my blessings...naming them one by one....and almost every time, my joy returns.

I. Am. Thankful.

Please meet our son......

2010-06-16T11:31:00.001-05:00

Ethan Fields S. Grisaffe
(isn't he beautiful???)

Ethan was born on Friday, June 11, 2010 at 5:25pm. He weighed 9 lbs, 1 oz and was 21.5 inches long!

We are OVERJOYED that he is here and that he is healthy. It was a crazy day on Friday, but let's just say that he came FAST! And I couldn't have been more thankful for that! I really did not want to be induced again and the Lord answered my prayer!!

I'll have to copy and paste the events of the day from Facebook to my blog soon, but for now, just know that it was a perfect labor and delivery and Doug and I couldn't have been happier with how it all turned out.

We have prayed and prayed for this little bundle and been through so many trials and tears to get to this point. So, really, all we're doing now is just celebrating!! He is truly a miracle!!

Enjoy the pictures!

Me standing in my kitchen around 2:20pm waiting to go to the hospital!

Me holding my son for the first time around 5:25pm!! (did I mention that it went FAST!?!)

Little Ethan getting cleaned up a bit after birth!

Proud, proud Papa!!

So incredibly happy!!!

Welcome, sweet boy! We are deeply in love with you and pray that one day you'll fall deeply in love with our Father!! He is so good!!

Oh Baby!!

2010-06-08T22:20:00.000-05:00

Hi all..

I'm pretty sure if you follow this blog, you follow me on Facebook as well, so some of this may be a repeat of what you've been reading about my life over the last week or so.

I'm almost 41 weeks pregnant. Last week, on Thursday, my 40 week mark, my husband and I drove to the hospital early in the morning with every intention of having a baby by the end of the day. Well, after 8+ hours on pitocin and very little dilation and advancement of cervical effacement, we turned off the pitocin and spent the next four hours agonizing over what we should do. Do we go home and try again the following week, or do we stay the night and try again the next day? We chose the latter. I took an Ambien and at 4:30, they hooked me up to the pitocin again and NOTHING happened over the next 8 hours. No advancement of labor and no baby. Well...baby was fine, but he wasn't come out of my womb just yet.

So, we went home frustrated and discouraged, but amazingly I felt a peace all weekend. I went back yesterday (Monday) to the doctor and was a definite, comfortable 2 and still 70% effaced. My doctor did not encourage inducement again, but said that he would be more aggressive if we reached the 42 week mark and baby had not come.

So, we wait. And while I'd love nothing more than to meet my baby boy, I have to believe that God has a plan in all of this. I am trusting that He is taking care of my sweet boy in my womb and that is exactly the place where he needs to be right now. Please just pray for peace for me during the wait. I have fears that something could happen to him in my womb and I don't want to fear. I want to trust. We have come so far to get to this point. We have waited and waited and prayed and prayed. We have grieved so many times over so many losses. I'm ready for the joy that comes with the morning.

I'm enjoying my week. I had a nice day with A today at storytime and the park, lunch together and then shopping. She is such an amazing little girl and she at times asks the funniest questions. Today's question: "Mom, why did God give us noses??"

And that's me for now. Again, please pray for His peace, which surpasses all understanding, to guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. And please, please pray that this little stinker comes soon!!! :-)

sincerely blessed

2010-05-03T05:08:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning and jumped out of bed......(all you Troy/CO folks remember that tune??)

OK...not really. I woke up around 3 something this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I laid in bed until around 4 something thinking about everything and nothing and decided that I'd just get up and start my day. So, here I am.

As I was thinking about everything (and nothing), I was again reminded how incredibly blessed I am. I can undoubtedly say that from some people's perspectives (mine included), my life hasn't been easy, but when I look at the world around me, well, that perspective is jolted quite a bit.

The following are my thoughts this morning. They are a bit scattered, so forgive me for that. Just have a lot on my mind and want to record it here.

I live a life of luxury. Our home is beautiful, our neighborhood is beautiful, our city is beautiful. Our daughter is healthy and a joy. Our baby boy, who delights me daily with his kicks and turns, is due in just a few weeks (and I'm praying continuously that he is healthy). I have a husband who loves Jesus, loves me and loves our children. He has a wonderful job that the Lord blessed him with almost five years ago and we've seen His hand in so many ways in this job.

I bragged about my husband yesterday in Sunday School. I bragged that he is a man who puts Jesus first in his life, then his family, then his job. I wasn't kidding. Please don't misunderstand. My husband is as imperfect as everyone else, but I married him knowing that he is passionate for our Lord Jesus and that his desire is to follow closely to the law of the Lord in his life and in our family. And I can honestly say that he still desires for that to be the standard in our home and marriage today. Again....no perfection here. We're as messed up as many others, but God has used the many trials we've journeyed on to somehow mold us together as one. Undoubtedly, this is due to the amazing body of believers we are surrounded by praying for us so much, which leads me to why I feel so blessed.

God has given us such remarkable, caring, compassionate friends since having moved to this state. And I guess that the majority of those folks go to our church. I've definitely also been blessed with some neighbors who are some of the most kind and giving people I know. But as I was laying in bed this morning thinking about everything (and nothing), I just had to smile at how many people in our body of believers love us deeply and have prayed for us through some very difficult times.

I was reminded the other day of how I truly feel like someone is always praying for me. I've felt like that pretty much my whole life. That God has somehow had His hand on me through the prayer of others. I'm pretty positive my mom spent many an hour in prayer for me...wondering how the heck I'd turn out and what decisions I'd make. If her prayers were anything like mine for my sweet girl, I'm sure she was praying that God would put people in my life along the way to help me in this journey. Well, Mom...the Lord answered those prayers...in awesome ways.

Pretty much since high school (and probably before), I've had other women in my life (usually older woman - how Biblical is that?) take an interest in me and my life. To the point that they would...as they were going (Greek for "go" in the Great Commission).....teach me God's Word and how to live accordingly. And many of these women MUST have had the love of the Lord in them, because I know I wasn't always lovable. And yet they loved me unconditionally and prayed for me.

Goodness, I really am rambling. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in this moment, I feel loved and cared for.....that God is taking care of me (and has taken care of me) through the body of believers all along the way.

And right now that body consists of many, many, many amazing folks at FBCK. Thank you for loving me and my family. For caring enough to not let me sit in sin, but to encourage me in my walk with the Lord.

As I mentioned earlier in this post, when I look at the world around me, I actually have lived a VERY EASY life. I'm in no way undermining the pain I've personally been through, because it has been PAINFUL, but I'm just daily reminded from how much I've been spared. Not once have I ever gone hungry. Not once have I ever worried where my next meal would come from. Not once have I wondered if I'd have a roof over my head or clothes on my back. Not once have I worried for my life (though I do often think of 9/11 when I hear a low-flying plane overhead).

Like I said....EASY.

I was blessed to be able to attend the Women's "intreat" at our church this past Friday evening. I honestly don't think I've been that convicted in quite awhile after leaving a similar event. The whole talk that evening was on the "self side of the cross". In essence, it was about how the biggest thing that is keeping us from living our lives fully for Christ is self. That couldn't be more true in my life. I took the long way home that night and just cried. I cried in shame over how selfish I really am and I cried out to God to help me change.

Bottom line: I want to be different. I want to be a light in the darkness. I don't want people to wonder whether or not I'm a Christian. I want to be a joyful, godly mommy to my children, teaching them God's truths as I'm going and coming. I want to put others first - my husband especially. I don't want to be a grouch or a complainer. I want to remind myself daily of how much I've been given...how blessed I really am. I want to be thankful always. I just want to live differently.

That's about all I have to say for now. Thanks for reading. Blessings to you and yours.

a much needed update.....

2010-04-15T22:53:00.000-05:00

OK.....it's true. I'm not the best blogger. I more just enjoy reading about others' lives. As for an update, though, I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and beyond thankful to be at this point. While I still have fears that something could go wrong, I continually pray that God would protect our precious boy and that we would get to meet him soon.

It's been a good pregnancy, I think. Normal stuff, like heartburn, not enough sleep, etc. have plagued this time, but all in all, I've enjoyed it. I absolutely LOVE feeling him (and seeing him) move around in my belly. It is utter joy. I don't remember A being as active while in the womb, so I've really taken huge pleasure in this part of the pregnancy.

I think A is excited to have a baby brother, but I also think she knows that things are about to change - drastically. It kind of saddens me to one degree, because we've had four plus wonderful years with it being just us. And she's at such a fantastic age right now. I love to just watch her and sit and talk with her. She makes me laugh so much, almost daily. While she is definitely not the perfect child, she is delightful more often than not. We are constantly reminding her of what the Bible says about how we should treat our friends and especially about obeying your parents and to some degree, I think it is sinking in. But we definitely have our days...our not so good days. And I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love being A's mommy. I can't imagine another profession that I would enjoy more - even on the hardest of days.

Doug is doing well - a bit busy with work, but well. I must give him huge kudos for taking care of himself so well this year. He's been diligent to work out as much as he can and also to watch what he eats. And it's really paying off! While I'm over here with my big ol' belly, he's losing weight - and looking GREAT! I keep telling him he's skinny, but he doesn't believe me. As for his job as a professor, well, this is a big year for him/us. He has this summer to complete more papers to be submitted for publishing and then has to present his case for tenure in the fall! It's a bit overwhelming for him, I think. I have no idea what will happen, but I am trusting God that His plans for us are perfect and good.

It is my prayer (and has been all along) that he would get tenure (and personally, I don't doubt that he will), but I honestly don't know what God has in store for us. I've come to love where we live and have been blessed with friends beyond measure in this neck of the woods. It would be kind of tragic if we had to move for whatever reason. Not that I wouldn't be willing (to move). I love change and adventure. But now that I have a family and my 'not so shy' daughter has many friends, it would be hard to leave this place.

Anyway....I'm rambling. I am well, too. My life has generally been centered around this pregnancy for the last 8 months or so, but I have enjoyed rich time with friends, a great study of Isaiah, a wonderful, thriving relationship with my husband (most of the time), and immense joy with our sweet daughter.

Speaking of A, she started playing soccer back in March. I wish I could say it's been the best experience, but..... When we went to her first practice, she went out on that field with gusto....seemingly happy to be playing. But at her first game, she totally changed. She didn't want to play and when (or if) she got out on the field, she'd curl up like a turtle in its shell. It could be that she is afraid of it to some degree, but I'm not sure. I'm hoping she's coming out of her shell, though. At her last practice (Monday), she actually got out on the field and was trying to get the ball in the goal! Her coach (who is great, by the way) told me that it was his goal this season for her to make a goal by the end of the season! Not so sure it will happen, but it's nice to know that he thinks she can do it. And the crazy thing is - she really can! When we're not at practice or a game, she can cook around our backyard with her ball! And she has a blast. So, we'll see what happens!!

We did also switch A's room earlier this year and it's the prettiest pink you've ever seen! I love it and I think she does too. She transitioned quite easily from her old room and a toddler bed, to a new room with a big girl bed! And baby boy's room was just painted this week and I LOVE it! It's blue and it's perfect. I can't wait to wash all his bedding and set it up! He'll be here before we know it! I honestly can't wait to meet this little guy! I think we're pretty close to picking out a name for him. It's taken quite a while to figure it out, but I'm pretty certain we have one!

Well....enough rambling from me for now. I'll try to post some pictures next time...whenever that will be!

Do you wanna play with me?

2010-02-19T04:43:00.001-06:00

OK....so now that I've shared my likely now infamous "Reese's story" (see below), I'll share with you what was really on my mind this morning when I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep (and still can't....it's now 4:45am).

By the time A and I got to the park yesterday, it was coming upon 5pm and a lot of folks were headed home. I had brought her new Hello Kitty bike for her to practice riding and off we went with the two dogs in tow as well. She did a super job riding her bike and we had a nice little walk. Well, by the time we got back to the playground, there weren't any kids she could play with, so she entertained herself by sliding down the slide for me several times. Sheer delight, for her and me. A little while later, another little girl, who was probably a year or two older than Annie came along and started playing on the same playset as A. Well, this is where my heart just broke in two.

Let me preface by saying that our sweet A sincerely LOVES people. She is completely unafraid (most of the time) when she meets new people. It's not unlike her to say hello to almost everyone she passes by. This little girl was no exception. After checking her out for a few seconds, she asked what she has asked countless numbers of other boys and girls, "Do you wanna play with me?" Now, I couldn't hear the little girl's response, but it wasn't a yes. And it really frustrated my little girl. She just wanted someone to play with. As a Mom, it was heartbreaking. Behind my sunglasses, I teared up and probably could have boohoo'd right then and there. I thought about how hard it is to live in this world. How not everyone is going to want to play with my daughter. How not everyone will like her and definitely not come close to loving her like I do.

I just wanted to scoop her up and tell her that she is loved more than she could possibly imagine and to not let some random little girl spoil her day. Thankfully, she recovered rather quickly and moved on to the next thing....."mom....will you push me on the swing!?!" Yes, sweet girl, Yes, I will.

Reese's cup anyone??

2010-02-19T04:18:00.000-06:00

Well, it's around 4am and I can't sleep, so I thought I'd blog about something that is on my mind.

Yesterday was a long day. Thursdays tend to be that way because we have no school, no church activities and usually we tend to stay home. This mommy, knowing that it was going to be a long day, did try twice to make a playdate for her dearest daughter who LOVES to play with other kids, but it was to no avail. Both folks already had other plans. So, we did our normal "stay in our pajama" routine most of the morning, painted, did some brain quest, watched some tv and ate a good lunch. I had thought we might run to a few stores, but I couldn't quite get my act together at first. When I asked dearest daughter if she wanted to hit the stores with me, her answer was a resounding 'no'. So, we stuck around the house. It was a beautiful day.....definitely a park-worthy day. Around 60 and sunny, so I thought for sure we'd hit a park at some point during the afternoon. We could all use some sunshine, right? Well, things kind of went downhill after lunch. A had asked me if she could watch Hero of the Rails...her absolute FAVORITE DVD. I said sure. Well, at some point during this much-watched movie, things got kind of quiet from our little A, but then she came into the kitchen with a not so innocent look on her face. I asked her what she'd been doing, but she wouldn't tell me, so I sent her to her room until she decided she wanted to tell me. Well, Doug called a little bit later and during that phone conversation, sweet A came downstairs and revealed to me that she had fed our French Bulldog, Bruno, some miniature Reese's cups. How many, I had asked. Two, she responded. OK.....no big deal, right??...kind of funny. He should be fine. Well, after I got off the phone, I rounded the bend to see the candy bowl where sweet little A had found these candies....and lo and behold, it was EMPTY! Not an hour before there had been a bowl full of these little delights. And now....not ONE was in the bowl. As I kept rounding the bend, I saw MANY little wrappers.....opened, contents GONE...laying on the floor of our guest room. You got it, folks. Our dearest little A had fed every last one of those miniature Reese's cups to our dog!!!!! I sent our DEAREST little A back to her room, cleaned up the mess, pondered what on earth my husband would say and then proceeded to call the vet. She said to keep an eye out on him and if things got bad, to bring him in later. So, I watched and waited. I eventually called A back down from her room and explained to her that one, she had lied to mommy and two that we don't feed our dogs candy, especially chocolate! Argh! She did feel bad after understanding the severity of it all, but I thought she needed a little more time to think about what she had done, now knowing exactly WHAT she had done, so back to her room I sent her. Thankfully, she's compliant about going to her room. Well, what I didn't know was that she had found her pacifier (that, yes, she still uses for bedtime, but yesterday, had been taken away from her as a lost privilege) in my bedroom and had crawled back up into her bed with it and fallen asleep. So, now, it's the middle of a beautiful, sunny day, A's asleep and I head back downstairs to keep an eye on my dog who has just been fed a dozen or more Reese's cups.

Thankfully, nothing happened with Bruno. We ended up going to the park after she woke up and I took both dogs with me, totally expecting a blowout or vomit at some point, but he was fine and we did have a nice time at the park...with the exception of one moment that I will tell you about in my next post.

Moral of the story....do NOT leave candy out where little hands can reach it! And definitely don't let the house get too quiet!! What am I thinking????

Random thoughts......

2010-01-12T23:07:00.000-06:00

So, I watched American Idol tonight. It was announced that Ellen DeGeneres (sp???) is going to be the replacement for Paula Abdul. I think I'd heard that before, but was maybe hoping that it wasn't true. Oh well. I've often wondered if it is OK with God to watch a show called American IDOL. Hmmmmm....

All I know is that I seriously LOVE to hear folks that can really sing. I was trying to figure out with Doug tonight whether or not there was ever a chance that I could have auditioned for American Idol, given the age factor, and I'm pretty sure I never could have. The show started when I was overseas and when I came home I was 28 and at that time, I'm pretty sure the age limit was either 26 or 27, if not younger. It wasn't until a few years ago that they upped it to 28. (Is "upped" a word??) Anyway.......Not that I honestly think I would have had a chance, but it would have at least been fun to try and say that I did!

As for other stuff, we're all well. Nothing too exciting to report. I'm desperately in love with our little girl and am sincerely amazed daily at her little mind. It just makes me happy to listen to her and watch her talk about whatever. And I just love how she loves life and people. Don't get me wrong, she's got an attitude about her at times that I do NOT love, but all in all, she's a lovely, happy, contented little girl. We were at McDonalds today for lunch after Bible Study and as she was finishing up her meal, she saw a girl and immediately yelled, "Do you want to play with me?" Unafraid. Just wants a friend to play with.

And tonight as we were reading in the Bible the story of Samuel and it went from when Samuel was a boy to a man in a page turn, she was the one who noticed that the man on the next page was definitely Samuel. Why? Because he had on the same outfit the boy was wearing on the page before! Very observant!! Probably not a big deal to most of you, but it was cool to this momma.

I should also say that Doug and I had the opportunity this past weekend to take a little trip over to Dallas for an evening! Thanks to some GREAT friends who offered for Annie to have a little sleepover, we stayed at a hotel near the Galleria, went to a FABULOUS dinner, and just had a wonderful, relaxing, much needed break! It was quite marvelous. And Annie had a super time with her friend, the doggies stayed at an excellent kennel in Roanoke and therefore, it was a great getaway for everyone. Thanks to our dear friend, A, for the means to make this all happen. You truly blessed us.

And this Friday, I go for my 20 week ultrasound and we are definitely finding out whether or not we will be welcoming a son or daughter into our family in just a few, short months!! I'm soooo excited!! As far as I know, all continues to be fine in the pregnancy realm. I keep feeling this little kiddo move around a good bit, so I continue to pray that all will be well on Friday. I sincerely have not taken this pregnancy for granted. I don't think I'll ever cease to be amazed at the movement I feel in my belly. That God allowed for me to be pregnant again and that Lord-willing, we will have another precious little baby in our home in June. I'm overwhelmed by His goodness. Goodness that I definitely don't feel I deserve. But beyond thankful all at the same time. I ask that you please continue to pray for this baby, for us as we wait and that God would ultimately be glorified by the life of this little one.

As I was reading to A tonight, she noticed my belly and that it was indeed growing. It's the first time she's really commented on it. It will be fun to hear her comments and see what she thinks as it gets bigger and bigger!!

I guess that's all for now. Just had some stuff on my mind that is probably meaningless to you, but that I'll probably look back on a year from now and smile!

2009: A Year in Review

2010-01-03T22:00:00.000-06:00

I'm hoping that many of you are reading this blog for the first time due to our little sheet of contact info included with our Christmas cards this year! I didn't have time to write a letter like we have in years past, so I was really hoping to do so here and that many of you would actually log on to read it! So here goes!! :-)

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Dearest family and friends,

I honestly don't know where to start except to say that I'm truly amazed yet again that another year has flown by. How is it that a decade has past since I first met my husband?

Well, this year held many, many ups and downs for the Grisaffe household. Some of the ups included watching our sweet daughter become a lovely little girl. She is almost four years old and truly one of the most precious gifts we could have ever received. No doubt she tests us almost daily, but all in all, she is such a sweet girl who loves people, her white blanket, Zoe (our Boston Terrier), My Little Pony, drawing/coloring, playing dress-up and singing (usually songs she has made up herself!). A also received her very FIRST haircut of her life in November!! I'll try to do a separate blog post of this as it was an exciting event!! We are continually amazed at her cognitive abilities and are hugely thankful that she continues to remain healthy despite all the sickness that seems to loom largely.

Some of the other ups was being able to travel to fun and exciting places as a family! In May we went with Grandma and Grandpa (Doug's parents) to San Diego and visited the Wild Animal Park, the San Diego Zoo and Sea World! We had a lot of fun and are blessed that we can take trips like that with them!

In June we went to Maui!! This is our third time to go to Hawaii since we've been married and it has yet to fail us as an incredible place to visit! We stayed in LaHaina this time and it was such a great little town! This was A's first visit and I think she loved it tremendously. However, I think she would have loved being anywhere as long as we were all together. That is definitely one of her favorite things - when we are all together! It truly was a great trip that we were able to make largely due to saved up frequent flier miles and great prices on hotels due to the flailing economy!

As for Doug, he continues to plunge ahead towards becoming tenure. He sincerely loves being a professor and the students, especially the graduate students, love him. In fact, in the spring semester, he was chosen by the university to receive an excellence in teaching award for the college of business. It was quite an honor, if I do say so myself! And we've been so thankful for his career change, now almost five years ago, given how so many folks have lost jobs lately, or aren't sure if they will have a job in the days ahead.

Besides teaching, Doug hasn't had much time for other extracurricular activities except hanging out with the family. He says he doesn't mind this and truly enjoys being with us, but I'd love for him to be able to pick up his guitar again and write more songs or anything else that makes him happy besides work and us.

As for me, I continue to enjoy being a stay at home mom. The Lord blessed me with a really, really part time job over the last year and a half as a beginner piano teacher. I teach one afternoon a week and have had six students this past fall. I just found out recently that I'll be losing a couple of my students. I'll miss them. I've been teaching them for over a year now and they are precious students. Besides teaching, I'm very involved at church. I participate in a weekly women's Bible study. This fall I began a Precepts study in the book of Isaiah. It's very challenging and a LOT of reading, but I've been encouraged from our weekly meetings and learning from this great prophetic book of the OT.

I'm also heavily involved in our music ministry. I am a soprano in our church choir and also sing first soprano in an ensemble which sings throughout the year called Uplifted. I get to sing a solo or two throughout the year as well. I continue to lead the three and four year old children in Preschool Praise every other Sunday and love my time with them worshiping our Savior. I have been so thankful for the opportunity to use my gifts at our church.

And I must give a shout out to all my blessed friends here in TX. If you had asked me four and a half years ago where I'd want to move to, the last place would have been TX. But just the other day, Doug asked me where I'd want to live if I could live anywhere and I said, "right here". I almost couldn't believe it came out of my mouth, but the Lord has blessed us so immensely here in this town. The friends we have made are so genuine and kind and have truly made us feel right at home in this great state.

Now for the downs of 2009. As I've had a few days to reminisce about this past year, I can say without hesitation that the first half of it held some of the lowest points of my life. It hurts even now to think about some of it. One year ago right now, I was pregnant, yet again. I went to the doctor right before my 8 week mark. My dates were off about a week and I waited another week to find out what was going on. When we went back, we found out another one of our babies had died. One word. Devastation. That was our sixth baby we had lost to miscarriage. And for me, it was almost the last straw, but thankfully - GLORY TO GOD - it wasn't and I'm now 18 and a half weeks pregnant. To read how we got to where we are today, click here.

In the midst of dealing with our unexplained miscarriages there was the dealing with our marriage. I haven't talked much about it here on this blog, mainly out of respect for my dear husband. But I can tell you that there were some really dark days of our marriage, largely due to the immense grieving that both of us were going through and also much in part due to our own sinful selves. Thankfully, through much prayer of many friends and the counsel of some dear, dear people from our church, we are on the right track and love each other more now than ever. I'm sincerely blessed to have Doug for a husband. There are not many people who would put up with me and love me the way he does. We celebrated our seventh anniversary this year!

And since I'm already talking about him, let me say that hands down, I truly believe our daughter has the best dad on the planet. He loves her so much and it shows in so many ways. I absolutely adore how he spends time with her in her world. He gets down and plays with her, dolls, barbies, whatever. He's constantly teaching her things of God and how things work in the world. And he's just plain silly with her which is so much fun to watch. I can't tell you how thankful I am to God to have a great husband who is an excellent father as well.

So, that about sums it up. There were tons of other things that happened this year that hopefully I blogged a little about, otherwise, I suppose they'll just be distant memories. A few things that come to mind that I didn't blog about were Thanksgiving with our cousins in Tulsa. Loved, loved, loved our time with them. Unfortunately, though, that was the beginning of pneumonia for dearest Doug....a definite not-so-fun part for him or us. But thankfully, he has recovered and no one else got it!

As for 2010, we're about to close day 3 and things are looking pretty good so far.

To all of you who prayed us through 2009: thank you. THANK YOU. I'm not sure we would have made it without your faithful prayers before the throne!

God is good, folks. I'm not sure I could have said that the first half of last year and really meant it, but He is and He loves us so much. So much that He sent His one and only Son to die for all of us. May my joy and passion of 2010 come from this knowledge alone and my love for the King of kings deepen every day.

Richest blessings to you all.

stories about A

2010-01-03T21:16:00.000-06:00

I know that I promised a 2009 review update, but I just have to talk about A a bit. I've already forgotten so many things she has done over the last 3 plus years and it saddens me that I haven't journaled more about her life.

First of all, she got a new paint set for Christmas and she went through it in approximately three or four days! She LOVES to paint. Before now, we've just given her the little water colors set, but this time she got the actual paint and it was a HUGE hit. I can't tell you the amount of paper we've been through in the last week or so, but it's been worth it. She'll ask to paint and then sit there for long periods of time making beautiful paintings.

One of the other toys she got for Christmas was from her Daddy. It was a Tinker Toy set. I had them when I was a child, if that gives you an indicator of how old the toy is. Anyway, she has LOVED playing this with her Daddy and by herself. The other day I was sitting around pondering all that had to be done while Daddy was taking a nap, and she sat and played with those Tinker Toys for nearly a half hour making all kinds of creations all by herself! Good job, Daddy!!

The other toy (also given by her Daddy), was a cute veterinarian kit. She has been saying for sometime now that she wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up. It has been a HUGE hit, however, our poor dogs have probably suffered quite a bit as they have been her patients almost daily!!!

And my oh my.....let me tell you that this girl is having a talent show when she's five. WHAT? I know. I'm not exactly sure what will happen at this show (maybe a future American Idol contestant???), but I hear about this talent show weekly, if not daily. And it's definitely when she's five. So look out....in another year or so.....there's a talent show a comin'!

Something cute she says that we've only now just started to correct is "no, mommy, I'm a people!" This is in response to us calling her a silly goose or asking her if she's a monkey. It's so stinkin' cute I just can't correct her!

She also loves to sing. I think this is definitely one of my favorite things about our sweet A. She'll just make up songs (usually to tunes she already knows) and will sing just about anything. Just today on the way to church she was singing about how "fruit makes you go poop".....now before I get emails about how children shouldn't say poop....let me just say that when your child is constipated, you'll encourage him or her anyway you know how and this has worked for us! :-) So, hence the song on the way to church!!

Those are just a few things that come to mind as I think of our daughter. It has been a challenging year from my perspective with her as she is really "coming into her own" if you will. She's strong-willed and obstinate (no idea WHERE she got those traits from), but yet she is a true sweetheart and absolutely LOVES people, especially her close friends. If she could have a playdate every day I'd win the mother of the year award. It would never get old to her.

So, this post was more for my sake than yours, but I hope you enjoyed reading it! Love to you all and Happiest of New Years! :-)

The Greatest Gift

2009-12-25T02:00:00.000-06:00

John 1:1-2

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was with God in the beginning."

John 1:14

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

Philippians 2:5-11
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

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I've received many wonderful gifts throughout my lifetime. None greater, none more everlasting, none more powerful or life-changing than the gift of my Savior, my Lord, Jesus Christ coming to this earth as a babe, living a perfect life and then dying to save me from my wretchedness. The Son of God did this for me. He did it for you. He did it for the world.

But death couldn't hold Him in that grave. And it can't hold you if you put your faith and trust in Him alone. You can have everlasting life through a relationship with Jesus Christ. Goodness alone can't save you. Kind acts can't save you. "For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

There is nothing greater I could post on this blog.

Merry Christmas, dear ones.

Happy Birthday, Jesus. Thank you for coming to earth. Thank you for saving me.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Coming soon...............

2009-12-25T01:00:00.000-06:00

I'm working on our "update" letter! I'll post soon! Love to all!!!

Seven

2009-11-09T02:05:00.000-06:00

That is the number of years that my dear husband and I have been married! Incredibly hard to believe it's been seven years. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had such a peace. I was able to go to the church early that morning and walk around the sanctuary and pray over the different pews and the people who would be sitting in them and over the altar and for our marriage and our lives together. It was a gorgeous day. Breezy, high of 70, leaves mostly off the trees, but some still falling. It was beautiful. I'm so glad we got married in the fall! To say I was giddy that day would be quite the understatement. I was so happy. I had waited 29 years to find this man and God had proven ever faithful in providing Doug as my lifelong mate. The decorations were simple, but elegant. My flowers were gorgeous, as were my bridesmaids'. The groom was handsome as ever. I loved my dress and felt lovely in it. It was just truly a happy, happy day. To have so many friends and loved ones surrounding us, to celebrate with us. What joy.

So, to you, dearest honey, let me take a moment to say "thank you" for asking me to be your wife and for saying "I will" on that marvelous day seven years ago. I'm so glad I married you. Thank you for loving me in spite of me. For challenging me in so many ways. For making me laugh (at you, at life and at myself!). For making me a better woman. Thank you for the last seven years. May God bless us with many, many more together......'hand in hand'. I love you......always.

An Autumn to Remember

2009-11-04T21:56:00.000-06:00

If you know me well, you would know that I absolutely LOVE the season of fall. It is my favorite season of the four. I love the colors, the smells, the changing of leaves, the crisp cool mornings, the bluest of skies, the smell of wood fires burning. The pumpkins. It all just makes me incredibly happy. But the first morning of fall this year held something a little different, something sort of unexpected, and then again, maybe not.

It was five plus years ago that we started on our journey of building a family. I'm so thankful I couldn't see into the future then, because I don't know if I would have traveled down the road we've been on. Six miscarriages and one blessed live birth later, I can honestly say this journey has been one of the hardest I've ever been on. I've questioned every part of my faith. I've asked God 'why' a thousand times. I've cried countless tears. I've rejoiced greatly over my sweet A. I've prayed a million prayers for her and her protection. I've been so lonely.

And so, if you had asked me several months ago if I was going to even try to get pregnant again, I would have said a hearty, "I'm not sure; I don't want to go down 'that' road again". Sitting in that cold pre-op room before they took me back to take my dead child out of my body this past January for the THIRD time in a year and a half was the lowest I've been ever, I think. I'm pretty sure I told my dear husband that I was done. That I couldn't go through it again. It was hard. It's still hard to think about. I so do not understand life.

So, as the months went by this year, I poured myself into finding out why it was that I just couldn't seem to carry my children to term. It became an addiction. I spent hours pouring over website after website trying to glean any information I could about recurrent miscarriage. (NOTE: I had two miscarriages prior to A and four since we started trying to conceive again 2.5+ years ago.) And not only was I dealing with miscarriage/infertility, but I was in the category of 'secondary infertility' - i.e. - I've had one or more live births, but can't either get pregnant or carry a baby to term. This is a very lonely place to be. Many kind, caring people just don't understand why we couldn't just move on and get past our struggles. "You have one child. You should just be thankful for her." I digress. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there were some months this year where I hit the lowest of lows. It was a dark and lonely place.

We even began the process of looking into adoption agencies. But even on that road, it seemed like doors were closing more than they were opening for one reason or another.

So, at the end of July this year, after tons of research into who to see about my condition, we found ourselves sitting in front of an AMAZING Reproductive Endocrinologist in Frisco, TX. A mere 45 minutes from our house. He spent TWO hours with my dear hubby and me. Two hours. I don't think he performed any medical miracles for me during my time with him, but what he did do was give me hope. Hope that I didn't have. And a perspective that I didn't have. I won't go into detail about what he said (email me, though, if you are interested), but let's just say that he gave me the courage to try again. And try we did. ONCE.

And so 'ONCE' turned into today, where I find myself almost 10 WEEKS PREGNANT! That's right, on the morning of Tuesday, September 22, the first day of autumn, God granted me a precious gift. A gift I had prayed for, but many times didn't really think He'd answer. I took the one pregnancy test I had and used it...2 to 3 days before my expected cycle..... and lo and behold.....in less than the allotted time....the word PREGNANT pops up. Well, having seen this before, I was excited, but HAVING SEEN THIS BEFORE and having lost so many, I was nervous. It was really early. Most of my babies didn't make it past 6 or 7 weeks. That meant I was going to have to wait and wonder for at least 2 more weeks to find out if everything was going as it was supposed to. It was a LONG wait, to say the least. But at six weeks, one day pregnant, I saw my precious little gift for the first time on ultrasound. And, AS GOD WOULD HAVE IT, my dates were exactly correct and there was a beautiful heartbeat. OUR BABY WAS ALIVE AND WELL!! We were so excited and rejoiced greatly. I even went so far as to tell our Sunday School class that next Sunday. Well, we went back the next week...the dates were exactly right and the heartbeat was between 160 and 170. The next week....same thing...and heartbeat was 171. We were ECSTATIC! I haven't had a pregnancy like this one since A. And to be honest, I didn't think I would have another one.

BUT...here I am. Overjoyed with the reality that there is a life...a precious baby...growing inside me once again. Am I still nervous? A little. Do I have morning sickness. ALOT! 24/7. But am I trying to remain joyful in the midst of the constant nausea, peeing and fatigue? You betcha. With thanksgiving around the corner, you can be assured that I will have much to be thankful about this year.

So, that's my story. I'm sorry I haven't posted for awhile. I have so many pictures of A...she's growing up so fast. We have told her about the baby inside of me and she is so excited. She's going to be a fantastic big sister.

We would appreciate your continued prayers as we are still in the first trimester and we know that nothing is really ever guaranteed. So, please pray for peace, that God would allow this baby to go to term and be healthy and for strength for me as morning sickness is quite difficult for me. Love and blessings to you all. D, H, A, Z, B and Baby G. due June 3, 2010. :-)

Catching up...

2009-09-15T23:40:00.000-05:00

Howdy! As I mentioned in a later post, a dear friend encouraged me tonight to update my blog! So, following this brief post about nothing, you'll find five new posts! :-) Enjoy!

Global Warming (of the heart)

2009-09-15T23:10:00.000-05:00

Grandma G sent A this really fun globe in the mail recently and it was a huge hit! Grandma and Grandpa G have a globe in their home and she remembers it and often speaks of it. So, when this showed up in the mail, A was thrilled! Thanks Grandma and Grandpa G!!

Our Amateur Photographer

2009-09-15T23:04:00.001-05:00

A loves to take pictures with my camera. She doesn't know this, but I found a little kids digital camera on sale not too long ago that I plan to give her for Christmas. I think it will be a big hit. Mostly, just wanted to post some of the pics that she took over the summer! Thought some of you would enjoy it.

Our little Chef

2009-09-15T22:53:00.000-05:00

If there is one thing A likes to do, it's play dress-up. She loves to pretend. In fact, just today I asked her what her favorite thing at school was and she said "the kitchen". There is a little wooden kitchen there with all kinds of food and dishes that she can pretend in and she loves it. So, mostly I just want to post really cute pictures of our little chef. My sister, Aunt Mo, sent A a chef's hat, that belonged to her little girl, who is not so little anymore, and an apron not too long ago and it has been a big hit! She helped me make a cake one day and just had to put on her chef's hat and apron to do it! Love her!

Lake Whitney State Park

2009-09-15T22:02:00.000-05:00

Over the years since we've been married, we've tried to visit different places. We've been fortunate enough to travel to Italy, Australia, Hawaii and many states around the continental US, including Alaska. Some of our trips have been very, very nice. What some might call extravagant. Others....well...not so much. And that brings me to our most recent day trip to Lake Whitney. It's about an hour or so drive south of the big city that we live north of, so it wasn't too far. Our plan was to leave in the morning, shop at some nearby outlet malls and then go to the State Park and go swimming. My dear hubby was so excited as he loves to drive and loves short trips to "get away". So, off we went. We even stopped at this great little tea and donut shop that my hubby discovered one day. I LOVE bubble (boba) tea more than most things. I could probably drink one about every day, but I usually only indulge about once or twice a month, if that. Anyway, we got to the outlet malls and well, it was disappointing to say the least. We went to two stores and then decided we were done and went to get lunch. After a quick lunch we headed (with much anticipation), to Lake Whitney State Park. Now, you have to understand, the state where we moved from, it had REALLY NICE state parks. So, our expectations might have been a little high. We drove out to the lake (after stopping to pay the park fees, of course!) and change in the public bathrooms there (mistake #1). Then we make our way down to the lake. All I can say is that after spending a week in Hawaii earlier this year, the lake looked, well.....dirty. I know, I know....lakes are not the ocean...especially not the ocean in Hawaii. But, I guess, well, I'm a bit spoiled. And the beach, well it was definitely less than desirable. BUT, this family, we were bound and determined to go swimming and WE DID (mistake #2)! I have no idea what was underneath me as you couldn't see anything in that lake, but we sat there in the water for at least a half hour (maybe longer) and then decided we had seen enough of this beach! And back in the car we went! I'm laughing as I type this because it really was quite comical. I probably would NEVER.... OK..I definitely would NEVER would go back to this State Park. Ever. The one thing that made up for our day was Lake Whitney Dam, which we drove a bit out of our way to see. Why was it special? Well, let's just say that it reminded my dear hubby and I of a very special day. The day he proposed. :-) The funny thing is, A remembers this trip and often speaks of going back to "the beach". I think she just enjoyed the fact that we were all together as a family. As it should be.

1st of Day of Preschool

2009-09-15T21:51:00.000-05:00

OK....so my dear friend Melissa encouraged me to blog about A's first day at preschool this year. I guess because she's been going to "preschool" for two years now, her first day wasn't the big event that it might be in other households. But, nonetheless, I did take a few photos! ;-) (NOTE: I do take a lot of photos of our sweet A, I just never get around to posting them here or, for that matter, printing them out!)

Our sweet A is now 3 1/2 years old and she is every bit of it and then some! She got to be the line leader the first day because I signed up to bring snacks. On the second day, they made her be the caboose and her teachers said she wasn't so thrilled about that! Can't imagine why?!? Anyway, I think all in all, she loves preschool again this year. Her teachers are Ms. Debbie and Ms. Pamela. They are firm, yet loving, disciplined, yet fun. A good combo, I think. Enjoy the photos!! :-) (Thanks, Melissa!!)

recap

2009-08-18T21:44:00.000-05:00

Howdy. Three weeks since my last post....ugh! Here is a quick recap of some major events.

My brother, Phil, arrived home safely from Iraq the day before his 29th birthday! Praise God!

A pooped on the potty - HUGE success in our household.

We went furniture shopping for "big girl" furniture for A. No purchase made yet.

My brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first baby - a little boy - any day now.

My sister's birthday is REALLY soon. Happy Birthday, Mo!

And sadly, our pastor back in TN lost his oldest son due to a tragic car accident last week that caused a fractured skull. He was 19. The beautiful story is that he donated his organs and helped the lives of 77 people. Even better, many people's lives have been changed ETERNALLY because of his death.

That's all for now. Just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about all one of you out there in blog world who reads this! :-)

gratitude

2009-07-30T00:35:00.000-05:00

Hi folks. I said I'd try to blog weekly and it's been 9 days since my last post! Already behind!

Just wanted to say that I feel incredibly thankful for my life right now. On one hand, this life of mine hasn't been an easy journey the last few years, and yet, on the other hand, it has been incredible. I'm blessed with a godly, hard-working, generous, kind, giving husband who loves me and adores our daughter. I'm crazy blessed with our daughter. How she brings me such joy, even on the hard days. She's my little buddy and I love having her in our lives. And I have such a great family. I don't get to see my mom and dad or my siblings very often, but I know that they are there and I'm so thankful for them and their love for me. And boy oh boy have I been blessed with great friends - both near and far. Before we moved to TX, we were told that the people in TX were some of the nicest people we would ever meet. They weren't lying. God has been so good to me these past four years. I've been blessed beyond measure in this area. Such amazing, kind, caring, loving people God has allowed to cross my path and then some here in TX and all over!!

And unlike many people in this world, I have a lovely home, two cars in my garage, money to pay for our bills, a ridiculous number of clothes and shoes in my closet and ample food for our table.

And setting all material things aside, I have Jesus. Is there any greater gift?

Paul says in God's Word in Philippians 4:12, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Well....I don't know if I've learned the secret of it, but I know that having gratitude in my life is a huge indicator of my contentment level. The more I'm thankful for what I have been given, the more content I am with what I HAVE been given.

Thank you, Jesus, for my blessed life. I know trials may come, but in this moment, I feel genuinely blessed.

Friends

2009-07-20T11:26:00.000-05:00

A has a great friend that she absolutely loves to play with. L & A have been friends for about two years. His family goes to the same church as us and I have become quite close with L's mom. When I say that she loves to play with him, it's kind of an understatement. If I even mention that L might be coming over or that she gets to go play at his house, I might as well have hung the moon. She loves him. It's one of those relationships that's just..... easy. They just naturally get along. L's kind of an easy-going guy and A's kind of a leader of sorts, so it just works for them. Although L is easy-going, he's not frazzled by A's commanding ways. If he wants to do something, he does it, but he doesn't have a problem going with the flow. Like I said, it's just a naturally easy relationship. It's the kind of relationship I pray for our daughter if the Lord has plans for her to be married one day. I don't particularly want her to be the leader in the relationship, as I strongly believe the Lord designed marriage for the husband to be the head and wives to submit, but I want it to be easy and fun for her. I want her to love being married to her mate. I'm sure there will be challenges, if indeed she does get married, as there are in most marriage relationships. But ultimately, I just want the partnership to be easy and natural. Hmmm....ya think we could go ahead and have an arranged marriage and just plan for A & L to get married in about 20 years??? :-)

pretty fingers and toes

2009-07-19T13:46:00.000-05:00

A often comments on my pretty toes and how colorful they are. The other day, however, she asked if she could have her toes and fingernails painted. After some slight hesitation, wondering if there was a rule about this and when the right age for this is, I said, "sure, why not?!" So, off we went to find the nail polish and the clippers. She was so excited and was very eager to show Daddy her pretty nails. I don't know how often we'll do this, but for me, it was a memorable experience.

A "isms"

2009-07-19T13:41:00.000-05:00

A can say the funniest things sometimes. The other day I told her it was time to take a nap and she said, "big girls don't take naps; babies takes naps". I said, "Oh really? Who told you this?" Her answer? "Jesus." I said, "Well since Jesus didn't tell me this, you're going to take a nap!"

laughter

2009-07-14T22:45:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure if there are many things sweeter than the sound of my daughter's laughter. And it's even more fun if I'm the one making her laugh! That full-on, belly-ish, "mom, that's hilarious" laugh that can only come from a three year old who is completely unaware of all the things around her that are cause for sadness.

Lord Jesus, may laughter and joy fill our daughter's life. And when sadness comes, and it will come, may she forever cling to You.

The CVS Game

2009-07-14T14:15:00.000-05:00

Let me just start by saying that I bought all of this at CVS for...........................

a mere 56 CENTS! AND I earned $10 in extra bucks!!

Thanks to one specific web friend (and China pal) who also plays, I became interested a couple of months ago and have now proudly established myself as a player of this game! I kept seeing her posts about how she would spend mere pennies at CVS and get loads of stuff! So, after a few months of lurking around on her blog and wishing I could save me some money, I started the process. And I must say, it's quite fun for me!

It takes a little work and some browsing of coupons, but I must say, it is worth it when I can save our family some cash! :-)

If you don't know about this game, just click HERE. Enjoy!

Family Vacations Part 2

2009-07-12T23:44:00.000-05:00

So, after San Diego, we were home approximately one week and then we, just the three of us, headed off to......................MAUI!!!

Can I get a woooohoo?

Anyway, it was a great trip. A was FANTASTIC on the 8 HOUR plane trip! I mean, seriously, I couldn't have asked for a sweeter girl the whole time!

She LOVED the beach. We stayed in Lahaina, which is a great little town just south of Kaanapali and there was a baby beach just minutes from our condo. There was a breaker about a quarter of a mile out, so it made the water calm and shallow and absolutely perfect for a three year old (and her parents too!).

Doug and I went to Hawaii on our honeymoon and Maui was our first stop. We love it there. It's just a beautiful place. It speaks volumes of our God's creativity.

It was a little cloudy and rainy the first day, so we went to the aquarium. It was pretty cool. The best part was towards the end where we came to this room and there was this HUGE tank full of sharks! Gotta love it!

Family Vacations Part 1

2009-07-12T23:15:00.000-05:00

Hi world. Lots of time has passed yet again. I actually have tons of time (usually in the late hours of the evening) in which I could blog. However, reading being a favorite pasttime of mine, I choose to read other people's blogs. I think, sadly, though, it has become an addiction. Why do I find the lives of people so much more interesting than my own? Hmmmm......

Well, to fill you in on the last few months, Doug finished up his fourth year of teaching in May. A big moment for him was finding out he had received an excellence in teaching award from the college of business! WOOOOHOOOOO!!! Go honey!! I really am very proud of him.

Just a day after he finished posting his grades, we were on a plane to San Diego to meet up with his parents, AKA, Grandpa and Grandma for five days of fun! And fun it was. We relaxed the first afternoon and then went to a nearby beach. A had never been to a beach before and she loved it! We then went to this FABULOUS Chinese restaurant in Del Mar! And when I say fabulous....it was yum stinkin' ola. I had eggplant. 'Nuff said.

On Saturday we went to Wild Animal Park. While it was probably my least favorite place of the three parks we went to, it was fun to see different animals. But if I were to give you my honest opinion, I like our zoo here just as much! :-)

The next day we went to the famous San Diego Zoo. I truly loved this zoo. It's HUGE and has lots of great animals! We got there pretty soon after it opened and stayed until around 4pm. I guess the funnest part was experiencing it all through the eyes of our sweet A. I have to say that having worked out for a couple of months prior to this vacation gave me lots of much needed energy throughout the weekend and gave me strength for those times when A just didn't want to walk anymore!

The fourth day we went to Sea World! Very cool place. LOVED the shows. I think A was pretty tired by this day, but she still had fun. The fifth day was just a relaxing morning and then back on a plane towards home.

I am very thankful for Grandpa and Grandma and the interest they take in their granddaughter's life. While I may not see things the same as them at times, I love them and A loves them and they certainly love us. Thanks for a great trip, Grandpa and Grandma Grisaffe! We love you!!

What's on my mind....

2009-04-23T23:35:00.000-05:00

I don't often login to facebook, but I do enjoy reading what is on other people's minds from time to time.

Tonight, there is so much going through my mind. I'm not exactly sure how I can possibly put it all into words, but I will try to give you a brief synopsis.......ready? Here goes.......

How in the world could two entire months have passed since my last post?? What in the world do I do with my time? I wish I were a better mom. I wish I were a better Christian. I wish I didn't let the little things bug me. I wish I were slower to speak and slower to become angry. I wish I were a better mom. I wish I had more kids. I wish Annie had a brother or sister. I'm sad. My house is a mess and it's driving me crazy. I need to send off some paperwork. I need to organize. I wish I had journaled more about A's first THREE years of life. How in the world did my child get to be three years old? Why do I feel so edgy today? What's bugging me? I wish A hadn't peed in her pants at the gym while I was still working out. I wish I had taken her backpack with us like I always do....except for today, of course. I wish I were a better mom! I love our little girl with more love than I could have possibly imagined. I so want to be a godly example for her. I want to teach her so much. I'm selfish. I'm unkind. I'm rude and self-seeking. I'm easily angered and I do keep a record of wrongs on occasion. I tend to keep more records of wrongs about myself, however. Did I mention I want more kids?

OK....so I really could keep writing short sentences regarding what's on my mind tonight, but I thought I'd elaborate on a few of them.

I think somewhere along the way, I told you that I would write about something when the time was right. Well, the time is right. I've wanted to write about it for a long time, but honestly, I'm not really sure if what I would have written would have been appropriate content for this blog.

You see, I lost my sixth baby to miscarriage in January this year. It brings tears to my eyes just to even write that. It's so incredibly hard. If you have never experienced a miscarriage, let me tell you from personal experience - six times - that it is a hard road to travel.

I guess it would help you understand a bit better if I explained more about how we (Doug and I) feel about the whole concept of making babies. We believe that God commanded man and woman to be fruitful and multiply....and not necessarily spiritually speaking...although he does command that of us. Anyway, without getting into something that may be controversial, I just want to say that having children was definitely a dream of ours - and not just a dream, but a command. We never once thought in a million years that this journey would be ours. I distinctly remember sitting on a picnic table at Double Head Resort in Alabama, where Doug and I met and where he proposed, and us praying for our future children. We strongly believed that we would have a family....and a much larger one than we do presently!

And as far as our belief about when human life begins....conception. No question. So much so, that I was only on birth control for three months, the two before we got married and one month of our marriage, because we believe that there is a possibility that the pill can cause an abortion. That is a whole other story in and of itself.

So, to put things into perspective, each time we got pregnant, it was a baby to us from Day 14, 15, 16 or 17 or whenever my egg was fertilized. The medical world can call it whatever it wants, but for us, it was always a sweet, precious baby. And as you can imagine, with that line of thinking, each time miscarriage occurred, we grieved big time. You see, we've lost six CHILDREN. I honestly don't think most people view miscarriage that way; so many times, people just don't understand.

And one of the hardest things that we had to go through twice, was seeing and/or hearing a heartbeat, only to have our babies die inside my womb soon after. That specifically happened this last time in January, as well as last spring.

One of the reasons I haven't really written about miscarriage before this last time is because I didn't want to dwell on it. And I couldn't write about our most recent miscarriage until now because honestly, I was downright angry with God. Following the previous miscarriages (before January) I wanted to wait the few months I was supposed to wait and then try again. This is what one does, right? They keep trying until they have a baby? Well, that's what we did before and, Praise be to God, we were blessed with our sweet A. What a gift! But as I said before, after this last miscarriage, if I can be blatently honest with you, I was immensely angry with God. Now before you start preaching Job to me, just let me be honest. God has been gracious with me over these past few months, so I ask the same graciousness from you - you two readers, you! ;-)

I've gotten over my anger (I think), but I have to say that I really, really, really don't understand why our journey to have children has been so difficult. I mean, sure, I've thought of several reasons in my head of "why", but none of them really make sense to me. Needless to say, I've had many conversations with God over the last several months.

So, where am I today? Well, we are definitely not trying to get pregnant right now. For whatever reason (and we've been told that my miscarriages are unexplained), my body is not a safe environment for a baby. So, in one sense we almost feel like it's wrong to keep trying to have a baby if I can't carry it to term and my body gets rid of it again and again. So, that being the case, I'm trying to "be all here", the here being right where God has me. And truthfully, it's not all that easy.

One good thing that is happening is that I'm exercising again. I've been trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant for two years and honestly, starting an excerise routine hasn't been on my priority list. So, about a month and a half ago, I tried a class at our gym called Zumba and became hooked almost immediately. I love the teacher and just love the class as a whole. It's a lot of fun dance moves to great music and I'm burning calories and building muscle! :-) And I do feel so much better about myself having started this class.

But back to the "here". It's hard. It's hard being "here". I want to be "there". I want to have my other six children with me - even just one or two of them! I so want Annie to have siblings! And so we've been pondering what our next step should be. Out of respect for my dearest husband - and he really is a a great, great guy - I won't go into detail about our options right now, but know that where we are right now is a really hard place to be. In some ways, I just want to forget everything that has happened, pick up my little girl and run full force into whatever it is God has for us, Doug, me and her. I want to press on.

Have I mentioned how incredibly thankful I am just for that little girl asleep in her bedroom?

I have precious, precious friends who are still trying to get pregnant after many years of trying. This is also something I've had many conversations with God about. And I will be the first to say that I can't begin to put myself in their shoes and try to understand what it is they must be feeling, because I have no idea. God has given us A and we thank Him for her every day. She is a gift.

Oh to understand His ways! I can't. His ways are so much higher than my own.

OK...it's late here and I'm tired. I'm headed out to the zoo tomorrow morning with some wonderful friends. If you read this, whoever you are, and you think about it, would you pray for me? Would you pray for us? We so desperately need direction right now along with wisdom and discernment. I also need peace about the "here". It's not really where I want to be and yet it is where God has me.

Thanks, dear ones. I do love you all.

More pictures....

2009-02-21T01:16:00.001-06:00

Standing outside of the church where Doug and I got married!

Truly, one of my favorite people...Helen, my grandmother's cousin (on my mom's side). She is a precious, precious woman. I love her so much. I've known her my whole life.

A with her cousin, Jack!

Fun day at the park with a good friend from college! Thanks, Tasha, for meeting up with us! I loved meeting your girls!

A on Christmas morning opening one of her gifts!

Pray for Abby

2009-02-21T01:10:00.000-06:00

I've been following a blog about a family who have a little girl, Abby, who is four years old and has leukemia. She is in the middle of very aggressive, possibly life-threatening treatment right now. Would you pray for her? www.riggsfamilyblog.com

Some Christmas pics....

2009-02-21T00:46:00.000-06:00

Just a few pictures from the Christmas season. Thank you, Lord, for sending your Son. And thank you Lord, for giving us A. We love her so much.

Yes, I'm a blog reader......

2009-02-21T00:21:00.000-06:00

I apparently fell short on my promise of writing about our Christmas travels. A lot has happened over the last month; stuff I'll refrain from writing about until a later date. Let's just say it's been a long, hard, bumpy road and for someone who would love for "fun" to be her middle name, it's been the farthest thing from fun.

I wish I could share my heart and I will soon, but for reasons I can't explain at present, I'll stop my fingers from writing on those things for now.

What I can tell you is that I spend a lot of my "down" time (i.e. - when Annie is sleeping - which is usually from 8:30pm until 8:30am) reading blogs (yes, I do also spend time with my husband during that time and sleep too!). I immensely enjoy reading blogs. I don't mind Facebook, but I really enjoy reading the stories of people who genuinely share authentic, deep stuff about what they are either going through or just what they are thinking about. I can't tell you how many times I've just broken down in tears reading about someone who has lost a child or who has had a miracle happen or even reading about someone who is downright passionate about a cause or belief. I guess in some way, it makes me feel as if I'm not alone in my struggles and many times often inspires me to be more than what I feel I am.

Why do I tell you that? I guess so that you know something more about me.

Something else about me is that I genuinely love meeting new people. I love to know how people ended up in this city (or wherever). I love hearing how couples met. I sincerely love to meet people. And it's in no way so that I can go gossip about them later. It's just something that makes me happy. I love getting to know all kinds of people. When you show interest in people it is amazing the stories you hear. I think, in general, people want to tell their story, so that they also feel they are not alone. And yet, we don't often tell our stories, for fear that somehow we'll be rejected or misunderstood. It's sad, because I think there is real healing when we are vulnerable.

I digress....I guess I'm just trying to be real with all of you...whoever you are. I'm not even sure if I have any readers because I rarely write. If you are reading this and we've met in person, please know that it is very likely that I absolutely loved (and likely remember) the first time I met you. :-)

Enough rambling for now. I'm going to go find some cute pictures of A to post! Much more interesting to all of you, I'm sure!

This is the Day that the Lord Has Made!!!

2009-01-26T14:15:00.001-06:00

This is a song we sing quite often in the mornings going to school.

just a hello

2009-01-09T00:46:00.000-06:00

I know, I know. I haven't posted in a long, long time. December came and went in a matter of seconds and now January 2009 is well on its way! Just wanted to let you know that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth and have plans to add some pictures and stories of our Christmas and Six States in Six Days trip during the holidays!

I pray you all had a marvelous Christmas celebrating the birth of our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ and that your new year is starting off with great joy.

May His deep, abiding love wash over you always. Happy New Year!!!

Be Careful.....

2008-11-13T15:44:00.001-06:00

I've often wondered how many times I've said those words to our daughter. As she starts to run in her sock feet on the tile, "Be Careful!". As she is walking down the stairs, "Be Careful!" As she carries a breakable dish to the counter for me, "Be Careful!"

I've heard it in her voice at times, "OK, Mom" - that little bit of exasperation. That tone that says, "really, Mom, how many times a day do you have to tell me that? I'll be careful!"

And so today, I was thinking, do I say it too much? Is it bad to say it too much? Am I being over-cautious (my husband is saying "no way!")? Am I suffocating her with my "be carefuls"?

And then I was reminded of that verse in Ephesians 5: 15-16. "Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil."

As much as I want her to run free at times and live life to its fullest, I want her to have in the back of her mind that it's OK to be careful. I want her to hear her mom saying (hopefully lovingly) "be careful, A". When it comes time to make that decision about whether or not she should get in a car with someone who's been drinking...."be careful, A" or whether she should try a drug that "everyone else is doing"....."be careful, A".

Dictionary.com defines careful as:
1. cautious in one's actions: Be careful when you cross the street.
2. taking pains in one's work; exact; thorough: a careful typist.
3. (of things) done or performed with accuracy or caution: careful research.
4. solicitously mindful (usually fol. by of, about, or in): careful of the rights of others; careful about one's behavior; careful in speech.

I like #4. Solicitously mindful. To me that means, really being aware of what's going on around you. So, in Ephesians it could say, Heather, "Be really aware of what's going on around you in life and as you are doing that, be mindful of how you live."

I want A to be courageous and bold. I want her to try new things. I want her to learn to climb the monkey bars one day. I know it's not too long from now that she'll be running up and down the stairs. So, as her mom, as much as I wonder if I'm driving my daughter crazy constantly saying those words, "be careful", I pray that the words are sinking in to her, not as something that will suppress her wonderful, loving, "I'm gonna do life with gusto" nature, but as something that she'll remember for a lifetime - in every decision that needs to be made - every step she takes.

"Be Careful, my sweet A". Mommy loves you. God loves you. We both want you to have an incredible life. Just "be very careful, then, how you live, not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil.

Yes, my dog jumped OUT of the car.....

2008-11-07T07:53:00.000-06:00

......and yes, it was moving.

It was an end to a lovely Tuesday. A and I had been playing and though it was a tad late for A, the day was not yet done as she decided she wanted ice cream. Well, Tuesdays are long days for both Doug and me. Doug teaches a morning class and an evening class, so he has to leave early and then he gets home rather late. All that to say, I tend to do whatever makes A happy on that day (which doesn't take much) to get through the day.

Normally I keep ice cream in the house, but on this particular day we were all out. So, this request for ice cream entails us piling into the car and going to the store. I say piling, because I decided the dogs, Zoe and Bruno, could both go with us since it was such a pleasant evening outside. And that we did. We went and got our ice cream and as we were heading home, I had opened the windows for the dogs enjoyment. The last time I saw Bruno, he had his head hanging happily out the window. I then heard a sound and looked back and didn't see Bruno (he had been in the back seat). I thought maybe he had fallen to the floor. Just as I reached my hand back to check to make sure he was there (praying he was on the floor), a car a few hundred feet behind me is honking his horn. Yes, it was true. Bruno was no longer in my car. He had jumped out the window and another car was honking to get him out of the street!!! As I tried not to have a panic attack, I made a fast u-turn and thankfully, saw the little guy standing on the side walk on the other side of the street. I'm sure he was just as stunned as I was. I literally expected to see a much more horrible sight.

Thankfully, he was OK when we reunited. Amazingly, so. Falling at least four feet out of a moving car and only being about a foot and a half off the ground high cannot be good. But God was gracious and spared him from major injury. He did have some scrapes on his face and over parts of his body, but all in all, he was OK. I did take him to the emergency vet that night (yes, A was with me and was a sweetheart the entire time) and they gave him a clean bill of health. They said he'd be really sore the next day (ya think?), but that he was seemingly fine.

Bruno is a French Bulldog. He joined our family in January of this year. He has brought much delight to our family as he is very happy, loves to play, chase bubbles and snuggle with you on the couch. He and A get along quite well and often "race" in the back yard. I'm so very thankful he is still with us.

Since then, A has repeatedly said. "Bruno jumped out of your car, Mommy. I sorry, Mommy."

It's ok, honey. It's ok.

Thank you, Lord.

Beauty

2008-11-04T17:18:00.000-06:00

Oh, that her heart will be just as beautiful.

I love this little girl more than I could ever say.

The Cookie Table

2008-11-04T17:14:00.000-06:00

So, at the fall festival, when you first walk into the toddler room, there are two tables, with sweet ladies sitting at each of them with stacks of cookies and three different kinds of icing that the kids get to use to "decorate" their cookies. Well, you can probably tell by this photo exactly where the icing went with my child!!! :-) And no, this wasn't our first visit!

Can you name this photo?

2008-11-04T17:06:00.001-06:00

We don't celebrate Halloween around here for lots of reasons, the main one being that it's quite evil. But dear old dad does allow our little sweetie to dress up for our church's fall festival. This year she was a princess. Thankfully, she doesn't really have a say in the matter (for at least one more year). I found the dress at Tuesday Morning and the crown and jewels at Target. She was quite a beauty if I do say so myself. But I must ask you: If you could name this photo, what would it be? What in the world is that expression trying to say?

A Clean House

2008-10-13T14:15:00.000-05:00

We spent the weekend cleaning our house. I know this may not sound like a big deal to some of you, but when we clean house around here, we really clean house. You see, my husband's aunt and uncle came through town for a visit yesterday afternoon and stayed with us for an evening. And since they had never seen the house before, the unspoken, yet adamant rule with my husband, is that everything has to be spic and span before they come! And while I dread the actual cleaning part and I absolutely, always love the end result. It just makes me feel better about life in general when everything is clean and all the "stuff" is put away. Makes me really happy.

And thankfully, I have one of the most HELPFUL husbands in the world who can clean a bathroom so well (and prefers to clean it, I might add), you could eat off the toilet (no, I'm not kidding). He is not the type of man who thinks a woman has to clean a house all by herself while he sits on the couch and eats potato chips. He pitches in big time. Truly thankful for you, honey.

So, when they arrived a little after 2pm yesterday, our house was BEEAAAUUUUTTTIFUULL, if I do say so myself. Candles lit, everything in its place, "A" napping, peacefulness. And it was such a wonderful time. I really love his Aunt and Uncle. They welcomed me into the family with open arms from the very first time I met them. And since my parents are only children, I don't have any other true aunts and uncles except for them.

And now, as I sit here in my still very clean house on a cloudy, thankfully much cooler Monday afternoon, with my sweet child sleeping, I am relishing the moment that nothing really needs to be done. Oh yes, there is always something to do (especially since I LOVE to organize), but right now, the dishes are put away, the laundry is done, the clutter is absent.

And I love it.

A few pics....

2008-09-24T22:47:00.000-05:00

"A" reading to her doll behind the chair (one of her favorite places)

Another pic of "A" reading behind the chair

A cute toe pic of "A" on her Dora stool

One of my favorite pics.....swinging with Lion.....

What does one blog about?

2008-09-24T22:26:00.000-05:00

Hi folks!

I've often said to myself lately that I need to blog more. Slight problem.....I'm not quite sure what to blog about. Does this mean my life is boring? Maybe.

Maybe people just start writing about what is on their mind. So, here goes.

I used to think I could mingle with the best of the best. But something seems different about me lately. I can't quite pinpoint it, but I seem to have lost my touch of "small talk". Just today I ran into someone at the store (a favorite store of mine called Sprouts). This person looked incredibly familiar and I thought I knew her from church, so when we crossed paths in the store, I just was kind of at a loss for words and wasn't sure what to say. I did ask her name and she also asked mine, but then I was just a complete goof ball making silly conversation about the food in her cart and the great price on apples. I felt so silly. And sadly, I'm still not exactly sure how I know her! Drives me crazy! I used to be able to walk into a room and learn all kinds of stuff about all kinds of people through simple conversation and feel good about myself, all the while making those other people feel good about themselves too! What is happening to me? Is it because I spend the majority of my week having the same conversations with my 2.5 year old every day? If anyone has any advice on the subject, I'm all ears! Am I at the beginning of a mid-life crisis? OK, probably a bit extreme, but I just don't feel like myself and haven't for many months now.

Kind of sad that THAT was going on in my mind, huh? But, tis true. Maybe it's an art that has to be practiced often and I just don't get out enough. Hmmmmm....

Order and Pretending

2008-09-04T09:41:00.000-05:00

I took this picture recently of our dear daughter after she woke up from a nap. Many times when she wakes up she likes to play in her bed. On this particular day, when I went into her room, this is what I saw.....

She likes to line up her animals. I'm not exactly sure why she does this, but it's just plain cute. I hear her talking to them quite often. She has also entered the stage of pretending, which I just love. She'll bring me a baby bear (that amazingly fits into the palm of her hand) and then she'll bring mama bear and daddy bear too. When she hands them off to me, she'll then pretend to pet them in my hands. So sweet.

I'm sorry I don't post often. If it were all about me, I'd write about all kinds of things, but recently a friend shared a verse with me that she had learned. Proverbs 10:19 says, "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." I'm trying to take it to heart, but it's not so easy for me! :-)

Love to you all!

HMG

Just too cute...

2008-08-08T14:27:00.000-05:00

I snapped this photo at a swim party a couple of weeks ago. She's a cutie, eh? Gotta love her!

Hope you are all having a great summer. It's still hot out here where we live. We're so thankful for our air conditioned home! :-)

Love to you all!

HMG

A Little Bit of Silly, A Whole Lot of Joy

2008-07-28T00:04:00.000-05:00

I really love our daughter. I know that sounds like the obvious thing a parent would say about their child, but I just want to say that out loud to everyone in blog world. I truly, deeply, love our little girl. I'm crazy about her. I never knew one child could bring so much joy, but she really does. She makes me laugh all the time. I think she's going to have a silly sense of humor like both her mommy and daddy, which I totally love. Just tonight as I was reading her nursery rhymes, The Itsy Bitsy Spider came up and as I would read the word 'spider', she would say "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" and then laugh herself silly! It was hilarious! She has probably heard me say that a thousand times or so when I see a spider because I can't stand them. They give me the heebie jeebies. Anyway, just wanted to share that with you all.

And the picture...well, it was just too cute not to share. Daddy got some Chinese food last week and decided to give A some sticky rice. This was the result!

Love you all!

HMG

The Jackson Three

2008-07-27T23:56:00.001-05:00

Howdy friends! Just had one more picture I wanted to share. My memory card was acting up the other day, so I couldn't download all the pictures I wanted. This is my friend, Anna Jackson, with her husband, Brice and their son, Cole that we stayed with while in Alabama. Thanks again, you guys, for all the fellowship while we were there! It was so great to see you!

Summer Trips

2008-07-15T16:33:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. Seems as if I was gone for weeks....oh yeah...I was. We took a family trip to the Grand Canyon and then were home for three days before A and I took a little adventure to Kentucky, Tennessee and Alabama for 11 days. We left Daddy at home to get some work done and went on our merry way. While it was a nice time, we are so thankful to be back home. There truly is no place like home and we really missed Daddy!

The Grand Canyon was just that - GRAND! I really was in awe of God's handiwork. It was so beautiful, so majestic. So like Him. A would also say "It's so beautiful" in her two year old voice and it was precious. We would ask her, "Who made the Grand Canyon"?, and she'd say, "God made the Grand Canyon"! I love it! It was a nice trip with D's parents. They really enjoyed spending time with A and she loved having all the attention from them as well. Thanks, Grandma and Grandpa for a great trip! We really enjoyed our time out there!

While on our trip back across the Mississippi to see family and friends, we got to spend a day at my sister's lake house and A had her first boating experience. I think she really enjoyed it. I thought for sure she'd take a nice long nap afterwards, but I was wrong! Oh well! The picture is A with her cousins, my sister's kiddos, who adore my little angel. It was fun to watch them all play despite the age differences. A LOVES my sister's little boy. She loves both of her cousins, bu she seems to have a special affection for him.

We were also in KY to see my baby brother, Phil, who was on leave from the Army for a couple of weeks. He is stationed in Alaska, but was deployed to Iraq last Saturday for a year. He's such a great guy. He will be missed! We're praying for ya, buddy!! We love you!!

After KY, I rented a car and A and I traveled down to TN to see some great friends. I miss them so much. So thankful for their friendship and the bond that we share. A kept calling my friend, "mom" throughout the course of the visit which delighted my friend. It was quite cute.

After our stopover there, we headed to AL to visit a dear friend of mine from college - Anna. She got married last March and I was one of her bridesmaids (while in a cast with a broken foot and yes - she still let me participate in her wedding!) So I got to hang out with her and her husband, Brice, and her son, Cole. I enjoyed my time with them immensely. It was good to get to know Brice, as I hadn't been able to ask him any questions or know much about him. He is a super guy and I'm so thankful the Lord brought them together. Thanks so much, Anna, for your warmth and hospitality during our stay. We loved being with all of you.

I was also in B'ham for another wedding. A good friend of mine from college was getting married - finally!!! :-) I was so happy to celebrate with her on her big day. She looked stunning and it was a beautiful ceremony!

Also while in B'ham, we saw my other brother, Scott and his wife, Stephanie, for breakfast (along with their niece, Raylee), and then afterwards A and I visited my step-grandma, Ms. Jeanette. We had a nice time chatting with her and catching up. She is a precious woman.

And then we got back in the car and headed to TN so that I could worship at my old church on Sunday morning. It was extra effort, but boy was it worth it. I honestly don't think there is another church like this one on the planet! I love it! It was so great to be back there and really worship my Savior!!!

OK...well, I probably need to sign off for now! Enjoy the photos from our travels! Email whenever you get the chance!

Love,

HMG

Japanese Car Runs on Water

2008-06-18T15:11:00.000-05:00

Many of you probably know that I'm a bit outspoken when it comes to oil prices and how much it costs to fill up our gas tanks these days. This video, which was released on June 13, is just one of the reasons why I think our government is NOT doing everything it can for the American people.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1078591414/bctid1600171070

Apparently, it's not that hot.....

2008-06-12T16:06:00.000-05:00

So one day, I'm working in the kitchen and all of a sudden, I notice A has found her winter hat and mittens and is wearing them! Now, most of you know where we live and you also know that in the middle of June, those accessories are the LAST things you want to wear! Nonetheless, she was quite cute, so I thought I'd share a photo of our little sweetheart!

ABC's

2008-06-08T17:03:00.001-05:00

'A' has been singing her ABC's for quite a while now. This video was taken last month sometime. She's just too cute!

"A" Reading to Zoe

2008-06-08T14:41:00.001-05:00

This is one of the main reasons I wanted to start blogging! I wanted to share some of the pictures and videos I have captured of our little girl in recent days! She's full of life and into everything! I absolutely adore her and she means the world to both me and D.

This was about a week or so ago. Zoe (our Boston Terrier) was sleeping outside of A's room one day, so A pulled her chair up next to Zoe, grabbed one of her Clifford books and started "reading" to her. Very cute!

Yes, I'm becoming a blogger.....

2008-06-08T14:34:00.000-05:00

Hi there!

This is my first attempt at blogging! I always love to read other's blogs, but I'm a bit hesitant as to having pics of my family plastered all over the internet! So, for privacy sake, I'm eliminating names and details about where we live, etc. Most of you all know where we live, if you're actually reading this, so that doesn't matter! And I really hope you know our names! If not, we need to have a little discussion sometime!

I'll post a little video of our dearest daughter in just a minute! I'm hoping this blog will help us keep in touch better with all of you, since miles separate us these days!

Love you all!!!