I don't want to live in fear.....

....except the fear of a Holy and Just God.

I'm really struggling. Not so much with my marriage or with my children (though there are days when both of those things are really hard), but with the fallen, sinful world we live in.

A friend on Facebook just posted about how a man lost his wife and 15 month old son in a car accident. In an instant...gone. A couple of nights ago I read about a five year old girl (same age as my daughter) who woke up one day and couldn't walk or go to the bathroom and has now been diagnosed with a possible terminal illness.

Another friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and is fighting for her life through chemotherapy treatments. Is she a bad person? No way. She spent years in China giving her life for the sake of Christ and the building of His kingdom. Not that this gives her a pass from anything bad happening to her, but still.....

I have friends who have lost babies way too soon. I have friends who have lost loved ones suddenly and unexpectedly.

A dear friend of mine has a beautiful daughter the same age as mine. Except that her daughter has autism while mine is perfectly healthy. Autism. The diagnosis changed her life drastically and yet she exhibits joy every time I see her.

I struggle with stories like this. I don't understand it. I know the Lord is to be praised no matter what...that He's sovereign. But I really struggle when bad things happen to good people.

And now for the real crux of the matter....

I sometimes fear that something like this could happen to me. That God would allow something tragic to happen to me or my husband or one or both of our children. It's a horrible thought, I know and I usually take it captive. But the reality is that we live in a world where things like this happen all the time.

But, it's not like I've just lived this easy, "nothing bad has ever happened to me" life. I have struggled a lot in my marriage. And a lot of my struggle has been because I am a sinful, selfish person. And in the midst of struggling in my marriage, we've lost six little babies to miscarriage while trying to grow our family. And even now we are in a waiting period to find out what our future holds.

Life has been hard.

And that's what scares me. That is why I fear. I'm not naive enough to think that because we have already experienced hardship that we won't experience it again. Just the opposite. My mindset is, "if God has allowed all this to happen, what would keep Him from allowing other things to happen??".

But, as I started out, I really don't want to live in fear. At least not a negative, scared fear. I memorized the verse a long time ago about not being anxious. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds forever in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I do however want to fear a Holy God. Not so much because I think He's going to take me out, but because that is what he deserves. A couple of Sundays ago in church our pastor talked about the wrath of God. That's right, the wrath of God. Not His love, or mercy or grace. But about the wrath that He will pour out on the unsaved at the end. And in that sermon, I was reminded how much God hates sin. And how much sin was in my own life. And how much I don't want it to be in my life.

Psalm 111:10 says "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His precepts have good understanding..." May this be in my life.