the heart of the matter

Pain. Destruction. Sadness. Despair. Murder.

There is so much of it in our world. Many days it brings me to my knees. Other days, it goes unnoticed - until the phone call, the facebook post, the blog entry, the news article or the email changes everything.

We really do live in a very advanced technological age. Everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - is at our fingertips. We want to know something? We google it. Need a definition? Dictionary.com. Want to know the weather for the next 10 days? weather.com And this is all from our phone. A map? A phone number? A restaurant?? It's all there.

And not just those things, but people sharing their burdens, their stories, their trials, their lives with the rest of the world. I, for one, love this, to some extent, as it makes a person seem more real somehow to me.

My question? How much is too much? How much do we really need to know? How much do I want to know? Better yet, how much can my heart handle?

Through a blog, I walked through a mother's angst and despair over the sudden death of her four year old daughter a couple of years ago. Memories of that post, and the subsequent posts, still linger to this day. Just tonight I was thinking about them, praying for them, while holding my precious baby boy. And overwhelming sadness hit me. And then came the questions, yet again. Why, Lord? Why this girl? Why this family? My heart literally ached for them.

Today it was a story from a woman who used to work in an abortion clinic. She spoke of the cleaning lady who found a foot in one of the sinks and quit. And a perfectly formed 10 week old baby's body that survived the abortion suction in tact and now sat in a bottle.

Tonight it was the story of a 94 year old woman who was starved to death - legally - in this country, because she had Alzheimer's and had a stroke and two of her children said it was OK. It was GRUESOME to read. It was obvious she wanted to live, but they continued starving her anyway.

And yet all of this is reality. Reality of a fallen, incredibly cruel and sinful world that I live in. And it really overwhelms me. In light of these things, can I do anything else but pray? I don't know what I'd do without Jesus. Precious Savior. Faithful friend. Oh how I love Him.

All that said, if I don't follow the 2012 elections or know what's going on with the environment, or can't tell you the weather for the next week, it's because I'm going to try and limit myself from the desire to "know it now". It's not that I want to somehow avoid reality, but I'm realizing that my heart just can't handle too much at once. I'd just sit in a puddle of tears all day long.

Ultimately, I just need to meditate on God's Word, letting it penetrate every nook and cranny of my being. Truly, dear ones, there is nothing better.

GREAT NEWS!

See this guy?? The one in the hat?? No...the other one. Well, he got some big news a couple of weeks ago. Big. News.

My husband learned the incredible news that the university he has been teaching at for the last almost six years granted him TENURE. TENURE!!!

To say we are excited is the biggest understatement of the year. We moved to TX almost six years ago so that my husband could pursue his passion to teach and by God's grace work his way toward tenure. And God blessed him.

I am over the moon proud of my husband. He is one of the hardest working guys I know - in every aspect of his life - and in my mind was deserving of this blessed news. He spent countless hours working on research papers, prepping for classes, grading papers, meeting with students, all the while pouring his heart into every class he taught in order to obtain this goal. And in the midst of it, he kept his family a HUGE priority. There aren't too many men out there that sacrifice the way my husband does for his family.

So, Honey...if you read this, Congratulations! From the bottom of my heart, I'm so very proud of you. I have believed in you from the very start and knew you could accomplish this.

But most of all, I give God all the glory, as does my husband, for this amazing blessing in our lives. We feel so blessed.

I don't want to live in fear.....

....except the fear of a Holy and Just God.

I'm really struggling. Not so much with my marriage or with my children (though there are days when both of those things are really hard), but with the fallen, sinful world we live in.

A friend on Facebook just posted about how a man lost his wife and 15 month old son in a car accident. In an instant...gone. A couple of nights ago I read about a five year old girl (same age as my daughter) who woke up one day and couldn't walk or go to the bathroom and has now been diagnosed with a possible terminal illness.

Another friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and is fighting for her life through chemotherapy treatments. Is she a bad person? No way. She spent years in China giving her life for the sake of Christ and the building of His kingdom. Not that this gives her a pass from anything bad happening to her, but still.....

I have friends who have lost babies way too soon. I have friends who have lost loved ones suddenly and unexpectedly.

A dear friend of mine has a beautiful daughter the same age as mine. Except that her daughter has autism while mine is perfectly healthy. Autism. The diagnosis changed her life drastically and yet she exhibits joy every time I see her.

I struggle with stories like this. I don't understand it. I know the Lord is to be praised no matter what...that He's sovereign. But I really struggle when bad things happen to good people.

And now for the real crux of the matter....

I sometimes fear that something like this could happen to me. That God would allow something tragic to happen to me or my husband or one or both of our children. It's a horrible thought, I know and I usually take it captive. But the reality is that we live in a world where things like this happen all the time.

But, it's not like I've just lived this easy, "nothing bad has ever happened to me" life. I have struggled a lot in my marriage. And a lot of my struggle has been because I am a sinful, selfish person. And in the midst of struggling in my marriage, we've lost six little babies to miscarriage while trying to grow our family. And even now we are in a waiting period to find out what our future holds.

Life has been hard.

And that's what scares me. That is why I fear. I'm not naive enough to think that because we have already experienced hardship that we won't experience it again. Just the opposite. My mindset is, "if God has allowed all this to happen, what would keep Him from allowing other things to happen??".

But, as I started out, I really don't want to live in fear. At least not a negative, scared fear. I memorized the verse a long time ago about not being anxious. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds forever in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I do however want to fear a Holy God. Not so much because I think He's going to take me out, but because that is what he deserves. A couple of Sundays ago in church our pastor talked about the wrath of God. That's right, the wrath of God. Not His love, or mercy or grace. But about the wrath that He will pour out on the unsaved at the end. And in that sermon, I was reminded how much God hates sin. And how much sin was in my own life. And how much I don't want it to be in my life.

Psalm 111:10 says "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His precepts have good understanding..." May this be in my life.

My journey through pain to great joy

I do love being a mom. While there are days when I'd love to just hop on a plane and go relax at some remote beach with a good book by myself for like, oh, I don't know, a month or so, more often than not, I have a deep thankfulness for my children and that I even get to be a mom to them.

When Doug and I first got married, we talked about when we would have children. He wanted to start trying a year after we were married. I wanted to wait two years. We compromised and started trying after we had been married 1.5 years. We got pregnant rather quickly and did what every other normal couple would do, we told our families and celebrated. He gave me beautiful roses, we took pictures of the pregnancy test - the whole deal. And then a week later, I miscarried. It was horrible. It was devastating.

But, we moved on and we continued to try to have a baby. We joyfully found out a few months later that we were pregnant, but at my eight week appointment, our baby was only showing to be about six weeks. Well, since I wasn't on birth control (and had not been since very, very early in our marriage), we knew when my cycle was and that our dates were correct. Our doctor told us to come back in two weeks to see if the baby had grown and that maybe, perhaps, our dates were wrong. We went to Chicago for the Moody Bible Conference and prayed and prayed. We had no idea what God would do. We went back to the doctor's office two weeks later and our little baby had not grown and was not living. Horrible. Devastating.

My doctor offered to perform a D&C, but I canceled it at the last minute telling myself that if there was any small chance that the baby was perhaps still alive, I wanted to give it a chance. Well, sadly, about a week or so later, I began miscarrying and it was awful. Doug ended up having to take me to the emergency room. It was a very long, very painful night.

That was February 2005. We got our house ready to go on the market because Doug had been offered a position at a university in Texas and we were going to move in the next few months. It sold after one showing. But it took us FIVE trips to Texas to find our present home!

We arrived in Texas on June 9, 2005. About three or four days later, I went to Target to get a few things, one of which included a pregnancy test (unbeknownst to my husband). We had started trying again and it was around the time my cycle should have started.

I. Was. Pregnant.

I went outside and hid the test behind my back and my husband thought I was going to shove something in his face (shaving cream, maybe??), but when I pulled it out, he just sort of grinned and I think we hugged and probably exchanged words like, "here we go again".

After a very uneventful pregnancy, I gave birth to our daughter the following March.

That sweet daughter will be FIVE YEARS OLD in just a couple of weeks.

She is a gift. And 'gift' doesn't even begin to grasp all that she means to us. She is amazing. I'm sure that every parent says that about their child, but really, truly..... she is amazing. Don't get me wrong, she's a sinner - she disobeys and is stubborn and wants her way - just like the rest of us. But she really is....amazing.

She's so smart. I'm not even sure we know the depths of how smart she is. She loves, loves, loves people. She's a devoted friend. She's a phenomenal big sister. She has a beautiful voice. She can dance - no, she's not trained, but she feels the rhythm and beauty of music at four years old better than some people who have been dancing all their lives. And to us, she's so very beautiful.

Honestly, I go into her room each night after she's fallen asleep and I look at her and tears just form in my eyes. I can't believe she came out of my body. I sometimes can't believe that God entrusted her with us.

Fast forward to our daughter turning a year old. I had weaned her from nursing around 8 months because we really wanted to start trying for a second child given the experience we had had trying to have our first one. (We had been told that there was a possibility that nursing could possibly cause a miscarriage because of the contraction of the uterus that happens when nursing.) So, our daughter turns a year old, we're trying to get pregnant and I break my foot falling down the stairs in our home. Nightmare. We had to hire someone to watch our precious daughter for a whole month because I was told not to pick her up so that my foot could heal. Nightmare. Now, the lady who took care of her was an angel sent from heaven. Really. We couldn't have asked for anyone better. She was such a blessing. But Doug had to take our daughter each morning over to her house. So, in essence, I missed a month of her life. It seemed like an eternity.

My foot healed and we kept trying to have a second baby. Summer of 2007 rolled around and I discovered that I was pregnant again. Details are hard to remember, but our baby didn't make it and I ended up having to have a D&C. Horrible. Devastating. Third baby taken away. Gone.

March 2008. We heard a heartbeat. Days later. Nothing. Fourth baby gone.

Horrible. Devastating.

Tests. A pregnancy shortlived during the summer of '08. Fifth baby gone. Tests. Doctors. What do we do?

After all the tests, we were told that we had a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant and staying pregnant. There was absolutely no reason (from what the doctors could tell) as to why we were having so much trouble.

So, we kept trying.

And I got pregnant - AGAIN. That was my seventh pregnancy. And I had one living child.

And sadly, we saw a heartbeat only to see nothing on that sonogram screen days later. Sixth baby gone.

HORRIBLE. DEVASTATING. ANGRY.

That's right. Up until that point, I hadn't really been angry. Not like this. Frustrated? Yes. Discouraged? Yes. A little ticked off? Yes. But really angry? Not like this.

I was so mad at God. I couldn't understand why we had lost so many babies. And this side of eternity, I may never know.

That was January 09. It was my third D&C in about 18 months.

Thus began my descent into some very dark, dark days. Sitting in that prep area about to be taken back to have my child stripped from my body again was just too much. I don't think I will ever forget the deep emotion I felt that day as long as I live. The emotional pain was horrendous.

During the days after that last D&C, I began searching the internet and every possible source as to why I was losing my babies. I was looking for something, someone to fix it all. Sadly, I was having a hard time looking to Jesus during those months. I was angry. At Him. He's sovereign, right? So, He knew about this. So, He allowed it, right? So. Hard. To. Understand.

Dark, dark days. We went to San Diego and Hawaii that year. While both trips were wonderful in so many ways, I was so very sad and very depressed. The grief was unbearable at times.

Even though I had never held these children in my arms, I had carried them inside of me. And I had lost six, tiny babes. And I wanted every single one of them. And I missed them. Grief.

And to make matters worse, we had no idea what to do after we lost the baby in January 09. Do we keep trying? Do we just stop and be immensely grateful for our precious daughter? Do we adopt? Neither of us had a definitive answer.

So, after lots of searching, Doug came across the name of a doctor, a reproductive endocrinologist, in Frisco who he thought could potentially help us. Dr. James Madden.

To make this very long story short, I'll keep to the facts. He met with us during our initial visit for TWO HOURS. I had written him a letter telling him that he was likely our last hope. I gave him all my medical records. When we met with him, he had gone over my records with a fine tooth comb and knew my case backwards and forwards. He was so very kind and so very gracious and so very patient. He was everything we needed at that time in our lives.

As I look back on that time, I see that God was lovingly showing Himself to me through this doctor. He did care about me. He did love me (not that I ever questioned this so much). He was in the details.

Dr. Madden basically told me that he sincerely believed my miscarriages were truly just "bad eggs", if you will. He said I actually had an "over-friendly" uterus. The reason I carried each child so long was that my body was giving those babies every possible chance to live, but they couldn't because they weren't quite right. May not sound like much, but it did make sense - especially since I had carried our daughter, uneventfully, to full term.

So, he basically told me that we could just keep trying and that we would likely, eventually, have another child. Real hopeful, huh? NOT! I just didn't think I could go through any more grief. And we would be taking that chance if we did try again.

He did offer some more testing, so I did some blood tests and had some sonograms done and at the end of it all, he did offer a drug that supposedly could help make better quality eggs. But it wasn't a guarantee and it didn't increase our chances at all. So, we said no to drugs (;-)) and decided to thank this precious doctor for his time and go on our way.

But we still didn't know what we wanted to do. We had not decided if we were going to try again.

Well.....

We did.

Try again, that is. That very next month.

And we have a precious, beautiful, miracle baby boy who is already 8 months old.

And I don't even have to tell you how much he means to us. We feel crazy blessed.

So, on those hard days...the days I want to hop on that jet plane to that remote island? Yeah, those. Well, I try to take a deep breath and just say a deep-hearted "THANK YOU" to my God, who is "greater, stronger and higher than any other", Thank you for these precious, precious children and I press on.

NOTE: I had no idea this would be my post tonight. I guess it was just on my heart for some reason. If you are out there and are facing loss or a similar trial, please know this: God has not forgotten you.

Kindness

Just yesterday I got to attend the Beth Moore Living Proof Live Simulcast at our church. I was instantly convicted as she began her talk about kindness. Or, in my case, the lack thereof. I was blown away that this was her topic as it has been on my heart for a couple of weeks.

When it comes to my husband and daughter in particular, I can be so unkind. I'm not sure why this is. I know with A, I just get frustrated (many times with her disobedience) and my tone with her is anything but kind. And I can't tell you the number of times when my husband has said to me (not so much in jest) how I'm so kind with my friends but not with him. Sadly, he's right.

The verse that she started with was Proverbs 31:26. It says in the NKJV, "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness." The law of kindness. The word law there comes from the word 'torah', meaning that it's the whole instruction of God. In other words, it's a big deal...this kindess thing. One of the reasons she said we should study kindness is that we live in a mean world and it's only getting worse. How true. And, yet, I'm adding to its meanness. It makes me sick to think that I'm less than kind with those in my own household. I don't want to be a two-faced gal...one way at home and another way when I'm out and about...putting on some sort of show so people will think I have it all together. I seriously don't. I wish I did, but it just ain't so.

Anyway, as I said, I was instantly convicted. I so want to be kind. It is a fruit of the Spirit. So, I guess that if I'm walking by the Spirit, I should be kind, right? And so, if I'm not being kind, that should say something, right? Something to the tune of I'm not walking with God and spending time with Him like I should be. Isn't there some sort of saying that the people you hang out with the most are the people you become like the most? Well, I'm obviously not hanging out with God the most or my attitude and actions would be different.

Therefore, I'm deciding today to spend more time with God this fall. I so want it to be a habit in my life. I want to be kind. I want to teach kindness to my daughter and my son so that one day they can "rise up and call her blessed". And I definitely want to show kindness to my husband so that one day he can say "many daughters have done well, but you excel them all".

PS - I wrote this post earlier this afternoon. It is now 11pm and I've already failed at being kind tonight! UGH!!

on the verge of fall....

(NOTE: the above pictures have nothing really to do with this post....I just thought they were really cute!!).

I am sooooo excited that it will officially be fall in a couple of days!! This is absolutely my favorite time of year! I can't wait to pull out my fall decor! Everything about this time of year makes my heart happy. It starts to cool off here in the big state and the leaves start turning colors (not as long or as bright as where I grew up or where we lived before, but it will do) and it's just beautiful. I also love the smells associated with fall...pumpkin spice, etc. And my daughter has already been asking me when we are going to the pumpkin patch! I can't wait!! Oh...and did I mention that I LOVE to wear jeans! It's probably my favorite piece of clothing to wear and tis the season for them! :-)

And really, what's on my mind, is that it was one year ago this week that I discovered I was pregnant with our son. I was so excited and yet so scared. I had no idea if he would survive or not! And now, I sit here in my family room, perched on my coffee table, looking at him in his bouncy seat just a snoozin. And I'm totally in love. And so blessed. Boy, are we blessed. This year has been so different from last year. Last year was full of much sorrow. So many dark days and so many questions and many of them unanswered. Lots of dark days. Until...

.....Until I saw the little guy's heartbeat for the first time in October last year. I remember being filled with incredible joy. So many prayers went up that day. Please God, please let him live! I had no idea what his answer would be. Well....God let him thrive inside my womb and to our GREAT joy, we met him a little over three months ago! Yep...he's three months old now and such a schnooker! We love him so much.

He's smiling all the time (which I just can't get enough of) and he'll laugh at you when you tickle him in just the right spot under his chin or play peekaboo with him. He's been "standing" in our laps for quite sometime now and holding his head up high. He doesn't mind being on his belly for too long and he'll actually turn over from his belly to his back!

And our sweet A is now 4 and a half years old! My goodness how I love her. Seems like we've had some moments of willfulness lately from her...more than we'd like, but I think she's just testing the waters to see if we're serious or not about discipline. Boy, are we serious. Disobedience gets no reward from this family. We're all learning about that. That obedience. That thing that God requires of us. And it is hard.

Besides that, our girl is smart. Really smart. At least, that's what her slightly biased parents think. She is starting to read and it is so cool! She amazes us daily at how much she knows. And she is writing too. Alas, I know some former elementary school teachers who may look distastefully upon her improper strokes, but doggoneit, she knows how to write the letters!

And she truly loves her little brother. I think it's hard for her sometimes when our moments, just me and her, get interrupted often with having to take care of baby brother. I mean, she did have me to herself for four plus years! I'd think it would be quite an adjustment myself. But, she has handled the change quite well. I truly love her so much. I so want to be a good mom to her and for her.

Well, I'd better wrap this up for now. Blessings to all and Happy Fall!!